Metanoia

My entire entry for today was lost. If it wasn't one o'clock in the morning I would try and recompose it. Maybe it is best left unsaid. That wound is still festering...today was not the day of healing I had anticipated, instead we choreographed a counterfeit presence around the proverbial 'elephant in the room'. If I had found grace yesterday, I lost it today.  So for now we are masons, firing up the kiln to bake the clay and fabricate the bricks...laying mortar to stone we build up walls. We protect our dignity, shelter our pride and we block out forgiveness. Each planted firmly to our right to feel wronged. The 80's girl in me screams out Pat Benatar's anthem, 'Love is a Battlefield'. Brick by brick we labor to build partitions.  One sleeps. One festers. Neither are productive. Day Eighteen I got back on track with my diet. Even if the rest of my life was going off the rails like a crazy train. Hmmmm, another 80's song. I a

Sweeping. I watch as the bristles push dirt and hay, reminants of a tiny goats presence so brief in our lives. As I push past boxes stacked in the corner of my garage, boxes I ignore. They smell like her, they remind me of her, my mom. Reminants. Loss. Always trying to clean up, to fix...the unfixable, the mess that is life. I never knew what it was like on the other side, being the parent. The hard part of life sits squarely on your shoulders. The clean up. Removing the things that sting, wiping tears, digging soil to lay to rest the loved. Explaining what is unexplainable. I never knew this side of it. Our precious Poppy passed away. Part of life, is experiencing death. But it’s hard. And quite frankly it feels like it’s all to common for us anymore. It’s tempting to harden the heart, to grow numb. But we continue to love, and in that deep love we feel deep grief. To most she was just a baby goat, to Charlee...she was her world. Yesterday we fought hard to combat

That scheduling conflict Sully and I were is disagreement on last week began today. I spent most of today rather bitter. A myriad of things went wrong too, only adding to my salty disposition and feelings of neglect. I would love to say I just leaned in hard to God, withdrew from the pools of wisdom, and found peace that passes all understanding today. But that would be a lie. Every single thing that happened from waking till I sat down to type this, felt exasperating. Charlee's little goat seems out of sorts, sickly with something we can't quite diagnose, so we treated the most likely causes. But sickness, whether it is goat or child, stresses me to the max. Especially when the sickly can't communicate what's going on. It would have been nice to have Sully home tonight...just for MY peace of mind.  I will admit, I have a bad attitude. I'm mad that the conflict couldn't be resolved by finding some compromise. I'm frustrated I was the one to

Today I allowed some carbs. One thing I learned. Probably shouldn't allow carbs till you've been on a roll for a few months 😒 My first mistake? Chips & salsa. Scratch that...my first mistake was not eating breakfast. Had I eaten a healthy breakfast this morning, I wouldn't be starving...and had I not been starving I probably would have been able to resist the chips & salsa at Acapulco's. I didn't eat a lot, but there's something mentally that clicks when I have a cheat. It's like, well crap I had a chip now I might as well count today a loss and eat EVERYTHING!  I fought that off for the most part. I let go of my chimi-changa fantasy and settled for a low carb salad (well, it would have been low carb if I hadn't eaten half the tortilla bowl it came in 😝) Then we had friends over for dinner and I went with a rotisserie chicken, sautéed veggies, & a salad. But as I was cruising the isles of Three Bears getting all of the above fo

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11 Do I trust God? I would love to say the answer is emphatically YES. But if I were honest, I'd have to admit I struggle with it daily. Especially when it comes to trusting Him with my kids. It's not even that I think I can do a better job. I am immensely optimistic that both Aiden and Charlee will extend me a plethora of grace for all the mistakes I'm making trying to raise them. It's in our very nature to be fiercely protective of what we hold the most dear. There is nothing on this planet that I care more deeply for than my children. But what good does our constant stress and worry over things regarding our kids really do? Wouldn't our lives, and theirs by default, be so much more rich if we truly trusted God with them? Point and case. Aiden. He is the kindest most empath

What do you do with those days that just feel off? I woke up tired. I probably could have put on 'Greatest Hits of the 80's' and powered through with some caffeine and big hair, but I chose to let things stay messy. I helped a friend take her car to the auto shop, I met another friend for lunch. I folded laundry and watched 'Love or List It'. It wasn't a productive day, but it was nourishing for my soul. The housework and chores will be there tomorrow. I thought a lot about my mom today. It's always strange to me that the days I miss her the most aren't the big ones, the ones you can almost plan on being sad for...like holidays and birthdays. Some days it just hits you out of the clear blue. She was such an intricate part of my everyday life, usually the first person I spoke to in the morning or the last person I talked to before bed. When my kids say or do funny things I think about how sad it is she is missing it. When the day is sunny and beaut

Perfect. The thing that holds me back. It's unattainable, yet I strive for it daily. I want so badly for things to be perfect. Why does it seem like everyone else has achieved it? Comparison. Another thing that holds me back... I clean my house. I clean it again. Again. But it never stays clean. The harder I try to keep everything in it's place; the carpet vacuumed, the dishes put away, the laundry folded...the more I notice the things out of place, the popcorn kernel on the carpet, the glass emptied and left on the table, the clothes worn and then thrown on the floor. When did I lose control? Why do my kids not see that I spend so much time trying to keep things in order and they so thoughtlessly treat me like the hired help? I should have started when they were little, teaching them to put things away on their own. I should have set the boundaries on how to treat their mother. Instead I cleaned their rooms, I picked up their wrappers, I washed their dishes, I put awa

Finding joy. I think I viewed stress, bad circumstances, hurt feelings, pain, sorrow, grief as things you weather to get to the other side. Tonight while soaking the days troubles off, I read another chapter in Ann Voskamp's book 'One Thousand Gifts'. I feel like she gets the average mom struggling to raise Godly kids in this crazy world better than anyone. In this particular chapter she is met with the stress that I encounter daily with my own kids. But in her journey to find joy, to find the gratefulness in EVERY situation she points out that when we react to those situations with frustration & anger we are ultimately following Satan's example. God is grace. And if we can find the gratefulness for even these hard moments in life, we are choosing to live FULLY as Christ intended. She also points out it is a discipline you must practice daily. And it goes against our very nature. I was immediately thinking back to this past ten days in particular. It was littered w

Stress. Today felt overwhelming. Our little goat farm wasn’t functioning smooth, and there’s so many emotions over getting rid of our big boys. We’ve had them, more like loved them, for a year. They were such good pets, and this turn of events with them being aggressive was so disappointing. I feel like the goat drama is all on me. This whole thing started when I said NO to a dog. A dog would have been easier. Last year when Mike & Sully entered into our world my mom was dying, I was struggling to function let alone make sound decisions...and Sully was in the same boat. But I don't regret one minute of it really. These two goats helped Charlee heal. She loved them fiercely, and they loved her. And we all thought they would just be part of our family forever, well at least as long as goats live anyways. The boys never liked me, maybe because they scare me a little. They are big, and rowdy, and don't mind worth a lick. But how could anything that laid in your daughters lap an

Today was busy. We were adjusting lil miss Cricket to our lives...she hates the pen & Poppy which stinks. But she stuck around the house today and it wasn’t nearly as stressful as I imagined. We made Poppy spend a lot more time outside, the poor goat seriously doesn’t understand she’s a goat, she’s rather be inside on the couch 🤦🏻‍♀️ Aiden had a classmate over after school to do their science project. So it was busy, lots of people and activities at the house. My dad & Chris came over to help us, since the boys project included lighting things on fire 🔥 We has pizza for dinner, don't worry though...I just ate the toppings! Day eight was a success! Without going into to much detail, I did have a major event that would have normally derailed me. A schedule conflict for Sully’s next hitch off sent me into a tailspin around lunch. The incident set off a series of negative emotions and those usually result in eating my feelings. Normally I would have caved...but I decid

Life. It’s always throwing you curve balls. I’ve had this crazy lymph node on my neck off and on for nearly two years. The last time I went in to have it checked they sent me for a mammogram, and the mammogram showed something peculiar requiring an ultrasound and neither could determine if there was cause to worry or not, so now here we are again. Square One. The lymph node on my neck is back and they want me to go back for a mammogram as soon as possible. All while waiting on blood test results to rule out leukemia or lymphoma. Sitting in a sterile room, while people toss around the C word, all I could think about was my mom. Watching cancer eat her alive, open wounds bleeding and rotting, tumors starting in her lymphatic system and pushing through to her skin. The things we saw are burned into our memories, memories we all fight to stay hidden, untapped because they are to painful, to raw to process. Yet as I watch the needle draw blood, all I can wonder is...is it my turn? Asid

Last night before bed I put Copaiba oil on my neck, I’ve done it a few times before. The insane headache that I had yesterday was so brutal I took a Tylenol PM so I was already exhausted. I oiled up then went straight to bed. I woke up at four in the morning soaked in sweat. I felt fine so I changed and went back to sleep. When I woke up my neck hurt, I could feel bumps on the back of my neck and it felt like a burn. Later I realized the bumps were blisters. I was sure I had a reaction to the oil. My neck looked awful, and it hurt like heck! But the more I researched the more I think the symptoms I experienced weren’t a reaction to the oil but detox symptoms. To test my theory I put the oil on my wrist this evening with zero reaction. I was already going through symptoms of the keto flu  yesterday, it is interesting if the oil actually helped pull toxins out of my body. Whatever it was...it was painful. Glad it’s over. I had Charlee scrub the blisters with Epsom salt water and then sla