"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Do I trust God? I would love to say the answer is emphatically YES. But if I were honest, I'd have to admit I struggle with it daily. Especially when it comes to trusting Him with my kids. It's not even that I think I can do a better job. I am immensely optimistic that both Aiden and Charlee will extend me a plethora of grace for all the mistakes I'm making trying to raise them. It's in our very nature to be fiercely protective of what we hold the most dear. There is nothing on this planet that I care more deeply for than my children. But what good does our constant stress and worry over things regarding our kids really do? Wouldn't our lives, and theirs by default, be so much more rich if we truly trusted God with them?
Point and case. Aiden. He is the kindest most empathetic child I have ever known. He is energetic, has a great sense of humor, and no regard for personal space. 😆 What I wouldn't give for a manual on how to be a good mom to each child specifically. How to understand their personalities, cultivate their strengths, and help them overcome their weaknesses. Wouldn't that just be amazing if they were born clutching an owners manual, the cheat sheet to parenting?! Unfortunately that's not how this works. The learning how to parent is one of trial and error, and it's painful and beautiful and messy and worth it.
Aiden has always been social. I couldn't take him anywhere in public without him striking up conversations with strangers, or attracting people to us like moths to a flame. He stretched me so far out of my comfort zone. He genuinely loves people. He lives to make them happy. And he doesn't have any idea about etiquette or personal bubbles. He is the most transparent human I have ever known. If only the world could see the little man I see. Unfortunately the world isn't as kind as Aiden, or to him. He suffered a tremendous loss last year, we all did. He had a bond with my mom that was special, and very unique. I truly believe my mom had a lot to do with Aiden's extremely healthy self confidence. From the minute of his birth she was ever present in his life, and saying 'goodbye' was a brutal blow for our sweet empathic child.
I am not even sure if some of the changes we've noticed over the past year are just 'growing pains' in general amplified by grief, or if it's just the effects of heartbreak. Our once energetic, happy, and social kid was now struggling with depression, insecurity, and forced to wander the hallways of his school alone. He was having trouble with bullying, and he had no motivation for activities he used to love. And my immediate response was to worry. Agonize. Stew.
I didn't once look for God in it. I didn't trust in the promise to 'work all things for Aiden's good'. If anything I felt resentment towards God. If I were completely truthful, I will admit my first response was 'conformity'. I started pushing him to be someone other than himself. I contemplated homeschooling him, which would provide an immediate escape from his discomfort. I belly ached about the parents of the kids who were tormenting him. I pressured him into activities he didn't want to do. I didn't trust God. I didn't consult with God. And sadly I didn't point my son towards heaven to solve his earthly troubles.
But God isn't confined to my boxes. And despite me, he was at work in Aiden's life. All the time I spent trying to fix things, I was just spinning my wheels. Sometimes, actually I bet it's more like most times, God meets us in that place of difficulty for growth. I can't save my kids from life, from death, or heartache. But I can teach them the only way to navigate it. To trust. If I look back on my own life I'd say the greatest character builders were the fire. It's where we are molded. I was getting in the way for God to work in Aiden's life, by trying to protect him from it.
It didn't happen in my timeline, in fact we are still in the refinement process. But it's not just Aiden getting the hard lessons.Things are better. And as we scale over the crest of this peak, I can see the why, and I can be grateful for the struggle. Bonds are forming at school with classmates, desire to crawl out of the darkness is flickering, and the kid who was disappearing slowly before our eyes is returning to full clarity. Not because of anything I did, but in spite of me.
If I had only let God have it from the start. If only I had trusted that His promises are true. He is good. Always. Anxiety is disbelief. Stress is control. Faith is trusting.
Day Thirteen was a success. I am not perfect, and I am positive if you showed up at my house with french fries I would hurt you. But I've managed to stick to a low carb diet, drink plenty of water, take my supplements and stay active. I probably won't weigh myself till day 30...only because the scale is the devil and weigh ins can sometimes derail my progress. I have somewhat of an 'unrealistic expectations' problem and often need instant gratification. Forcing myself to wait longer periods between weigh ins gives me plenty of time for more realistic results, and less opportunity for discouragement. I FEEL good, so for now, that is enough.
I am not even sure if some of the changes we've noticed over the past year are just 'growing pains' in general amplified by grief, or if it's just the effects of heartbreak. Our once energetic, happy, and social kid was now struggling with depression, insecurity, and forced to wander the hallways of his school alone. He was having trouble with bullying, and he had no motivation for activities he used to love. And my immediate response was to worry. Agonize. Stew.
I didn't once look for God in it. I didn't trust in the promise to 'work all things for Aiden's good'. If anything I felt resentment towards God. If I were completely truthful, I will admit my first response was 'conformity'. I started pushing him to be someone other than himself. I contemplated homeschooling him, which would provide an immediate escape from his discomfort. I belly ached about the parents of the kids who were tormenting him. I pressured him into activities he didn't want to do. I didn't trust God. I didn't consult with God. And sadly I didn't point my son towards heaven to solve his earthly troubles.
But God isn't confined to my boxes. And despite me, he was at work in Aiden's life. All the time I spent trying to fix things, I was just spinning my wheels. Sometimes, actually I bet it's more like most times, God meets us in that place of difficulty for growth. I can't save my kids from life, from death, or heartache. But I can teach them the only way to navigate it. To trust. If I look back on my own life I'd say the greatest character builders were the fire. It's where we are molded. I was getting in the way for God to work in Aiden's life, by trying to protect him from it.
It didn't happen in my timeline, in fact we are still in the refinement process. But it's not just Aiden getting the hard lessons.Things are better. And as we scale over the crest of this peak, I can see the why, and I can be grateful for the struggle. Bonds are forming at school with classmates, desire to crawl out of the darkness is flickering, and the kid who was disappearing slowly before our eyes is returning to full clarity. Not because of anything I did, but in spite of me.
If I had only let God have it from the start. If only I had trusted that His promises are true. He is good. Always. Anxiety is disbelief. Stress is control. Faith is trusting.
Day Thirteen was a success. I am not perfect, and I am positive if you showed up at my house with french fries I would hurt you. But I've managed to stick to a low carb diet, drink plenty of water, take my supplements and stay active. I probably won't weigh myself till day 30...only because the scale is the devil and weigh ins can sometimes derail my progress. I have somewhat of an 'unrealistic expectations' problem and often need instant gratification. Forcing myself to wait longer periods between weigh ins gives me plenty of time for more realistic results, and less opportunity for discouragement. I FEEL good, so for now, that is enough.
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