What do you do with those days that just feel off? I woke up tired. I probably could have put on 'Greatest Hits of the 80's' and powered through with some caffeine and big hair, but I chose to let things stay messy. I helped a friend take her car to the auto shop, I met another friend for lunch. I folded laundry and watched 'Love or List It'. It wasn't a productive day, but it was nourishing for my soul. The housework and chores will be there tomorrow.
I thought a lot about my mom today. It's always strange to me that the days I miss her the most aren't the big ones, the ones you can almost plan on being sad for...like holidays and birthdays. Some days it just hits you out of the clear blue. She was such an intricate part of my everyday life, usually the first person I spoke to in the morning or the last person I talked to before bed. When my kids say or do funny things I think about how sad it is she is missing it. When the day is sunny and beautiful I wish she was here to go walking with, she was always up for a walk. When my heart hurts...I want to tell her about it. Although strangely the source of my hurting heart these days is usually her absence. I miss our old life. I miss sharing it with her. I miss her.
I read a note from her, she wrote it a while back. I was on another 'Extreme Joy Makeover' kick and she was trying to give me some wisdom. She probably didn't know that it would take years for what she was saying to kick in. She told me not to overwhelm myself with all the things I wanted to change, to pick one thing and give it my all and the rest would follow suit. That one thing being my walk with God. Diets, workout plans, and meticulous to do lists should be set aside. I wanted to lose weight, be a better mom, a better wife, a better housekeeper, a better person. She knew me better than I knew myself. Her simple advice was just to fix my eyes on Him. She was right. When you are in the Word, in communion with God, everything changes. Your circumstances are the same, but your attitude is transformed. The things we cling to...things like control, anxiety, stress, and anger, are just symptoms. Symptoms of a sick heart in need of the Great Physician. If I fail at everything else in the day, but I find time for my Heavenly Father...the day is not wasted.
I know there will be moments in dealing with my own kids where I will give them the answers to their problems and they won't listen. I will have to watch them struggle through it, and hopefully there will be acknowledgment somewhere on the other side. I wish my mom was here for me to say "I finally got it Mom, you were right...Thank you."
Day twelve was a success.
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