Day Ten

Finding joy. I think I viewed stress, bad circumstances, hurt feelings, pain, sorrow, grief as things you weather to get to the other side. Tonight while soaking the days troubles off, I read another chapter in Ann Voskamp's book 'One Thousand Gifts'. I feel like she gets the average mom struggling to raise Godly kids in this crazy world better than anyone. In this particular chapter she is met with the stress that I encounter daily with my own kids. But in her journey to find joy, to find the gratefulness in EVERY situation she points out that when we react to those situations with frustration & anger we are ultimately following Satan's example. God is grace. And if we can find the gratefulness for even these hard moments in life, we are choosing to live FULLY as Christ intended. She also points out it is a discipline you must practice daily. And it goes against our very nature. I was immediately thinking back to this past ten days in particular. It was littered with stress, and I was often anchored down by it. 

There was the incident with Sully. Where a decision was made that hurt my feelings. It wasn't even the 'current' decision that had me reeling, it was the past twelve years of similar choices. I took that hurt and instead of handing it over to God to help me process it, I stewed on it. And just like gangrene it spread and festered into every area of my life. Things that were manageable became impossible roadblocks. I was short with the kids. I was distracted. I was sinful. Granted the root issue is valid. But my reaction to it was irrational. There was so much I needed to see during that time, things to be grateful for, but instead I hurried through in my blind anger and muddled everything up. I let the goat situation manifest from a molehill into a mountain and resulted in so many missteps. Hurried. Overwhelmed. Devoid of Grace. 

Truth is we can't change people. Inevitably there will be conflict. But I can change how I react to things, and I can certainly change my spirit while in the thick of things. Understanding I can go to God with Thanksgiving even in discord of my marriage. That I can have gratitude even when my kids are disobedient. I can appreciate the ugly, messy, and uncomfortable...and find the joy even when it hurts. 

Life is good. God is good. TRUTH.

Food has lost it's grip on me over the past ten days. But it's so much more than the quest to be thin. Honestly I don't even care about that anymore. It's just another distraction. Being beautiful, or thin, or toned, stylish, perfect. Those are just more hang ups. I want to be healthy, I want to be filled with joy, and I want to share those things with my kids. Scales, numbers, sizes those are of this world. It's a heart transformation I am seeking. 

Disappointment occurs when you allow people to take God's place in your life. People can't help but fail us. I know that all to well, I fail those that I love continually. But God is constant. If he is the foundation the torrential rains, the tempestuous wind, and life's ravaging storms can't destroy us. Unfortunately it feels like I am always constructing my house on the sand...and the waves continue to beat me down. I stack Sully, my kids, my family, my friends...block by block on unstable ground. When one gives way I am shook. When truth be told I should have never put so much pressure on any one person in my life. That song we all sang in Sunday school as kids, "the wise man built his house upon the rock..." I am a fool. But by God's grace I woke up today, and get a chance to rebuild.

Day Ten. I'm growing. Beyond my original intent...but I think the end result will be one that I can be more proud of accomplishing. Metanoia.