Metanoia

Has God ever hand picked your reading material? I feel spoiled, and loved, and completely in awe all at once. In March I was struggling...I was absolutely drowning in my grief. My aunt followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit and mailed me the book 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp, which completely turned everything around. It was exactly what I needed. The other day while retrieving my mail I found a package from one of my mom's dear friends from our time back in Colorado. She too had felt lead to send me a book, and I imagine this book will have a similar effect, how could it not? You've got mail from your Heavenly Father. Amazing. I am so grateful both of these beautiful souls were willing vessels for God to work in my life. It really makes me think about how often I ignore the promptings, or get to busy to hear them. How many opportunities am I missing to do God's work and be the blessing for others? In the book 'One Thousand Gifts' Ann points o...

Diet Pepsi. The nucleus of my destruction. Tracing things back to where it all fell apart...this time...and likely all the times before it was the introduction of this seemingly harmless beverage. Unfortunately once this was allowed back in the whole system began breaking down. Enslavement. Addiction. It's ugly. This chemical concoction will not defeat me. But you'd be surprised at how hard it is to let go. Yesterday was my full day without one...and I know the headache by three o'clock and the nausea that greeted me this morning are just the beginning. My body won't take lightly to diet Pepsi deprivation, and that alone should validate that this poison is not good for me. For three months I gave up pop, carbs, sugars, starches, and ate the strict Candida diet. I felt amazing. I took Plexus to help boost the immune system and reboot my gut. Everything went great. I lost thirty pounds and felt like I had finally found the key to unlock the door that had been slammed...

This kid used to eat rocks. He also drank puddle water. Therefor the majority of his diaper wearing days we were dealing with gravel and dysentery. My firstborn. And today I realized that in 2025 he will be a man embarking out into this crazy world without me. 7 years. I have seven measly years left with my baby boy. I think what scares me more than anything else is that I feel like I'm not doing the best job at leading by example. I kept thinking I would have more time. If procrastination were a country, I would be it's Queen. There are things I know my kids are gleaning from me that are good. Things I can be proud of for instilling in them. And there are things that need to amended. 12 years ago you'd be hard pressed to hear a curse word come flying out of my mouth. That is not the case today. Today I lost count of how many foul words rolled off my tongue. A goat jumped on my clean clothes during feeding this morning *BEEP* I caught my pajama bottoms on the bed wh...

Have you ever been body surfing? You know that moment when you aren't paying attention and a wave rolls in...picks you up, and then slams you to ocean floor. That in itself is bad enough, but then it adds insult to injury when the next wave hits you and fills your lungs with salt water instead of the air your gasping for. And another. When it's over you find your bathing suit displaced, hair ratted into a nest that sits halfway on your head and halfway in your face, and you crawl like a creature from the deep towards higher ground. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE FEELS LIKE RIGHT NOW. I somehow survived the beating, and now I'm just trying to get to shore. You know the quote "Grief is like the oceans, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." I used to like that quote. Until I experienced grief firsthand. There is no swimming when the waves hit you, there's just surviving....

Isolated. It has been said that I am co-dependant. I recently looked up the definition of co-dependacy to really take an honest evaluation as to wether or not I agree with the assemtment. Talk about opening pandoras box. There are MANY opinions of what co-dependacy looks like, some align with my personality and others are completey off base. Ultimately I found I don't fit in a co-dependacy box, but have some of the traits. What made me dive into this line of thinking you might ask? Back to work day. For nearly the entirety of my marriage to Sully (minus one year) worked oilfield shift work. We have lived our lives in hitches. So you'd think after twelve years of this routine I would have gotten used to time apart. I haven't. In fact it's gotten worse. I am plagued with irrational anxiety the second that chopper hit's the rig. I dread sleeping alone, and usually I sleep so poorly because I am paranoid I won't wake up if the kids call for me, or one of the...

"If today were your last, would you do what you’re doing? Or would you love more, give more, forgive more? Then do so! Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again." ~ Max Lucado Today was a peaceful day. A time to reflect. More than anything I am grateful. Grateful for the friendship I had with my mom. The treasure trove of memories that provide such comfort when the grief overwhelms. I am thankful that she was there for so many milestones in my life. That she had such influence over my kids. I am so blessed to have gleaned so much wisdom from her over the years. She always encouraged me. She always loved unconditionally. There was so much safety in just knowing she was there. She inspired me to be a better person. I was given 35 beautiful years to share with her. I am just...SO GRATEFUL God chose her to be my Mom. I am SO BLESSED she was also my best friend. I didn't miss her more...

My kids found a dead beaver in the lake yesterday. You would have thought it was gold with how giddy they were. I would have joined them in a happy dance had it been gold too. Unfortunately it was a rather large, rather rotten beaver. They used a fishing net to scoop him out and proceeded to drag him into the yard. Discussions began about what parts of him needed to be salvaged...a mother's worst nightmare. None. Please don't cut anything off that decaying creature. Sully with childlike wonder disagreed. "Off with his head!" and the kidsfolk cheered. Apparently every Alaskan home needs a beaver skull?! I almost found it entertaining to see them all gagging as the dissection began, I stayed a safe distance away by the fire, never have I been so happy to choke on smoke rather than smell rancid beaver. Did you know that putrid aroma clings to fabric? I didn't. Not until I loaded the kids into my car to retrieve s'more's supplies from the local 7-11. Halfway ...

The day began with wind. Then the rain accompanied. By noon it was snow dusting. Evening brought sunshine. And it made me realize, I am just like the weather in Alaska. Extreme. Inconsistent. Unpredictable. It's no wonder my family often times tip-toe around me, always on eggshells, never knowing what mood I am in or what to expect. I would like to believe for the most part I'm happy, joy ful even. But if I were honest I'd have to say it is all circumstantial. Point and case, I was for the most part a pretty nice human being last night. Sully and I were snuggled up on the couch watching 'Death Becomes Her' and making fun of Bruce Willis's ridiculous pre 'Die Hard' role, when my cat started meowing. Now my cat is for the most part pretty annoying. She's prissy about her litter box, meaning if I am not on top of it's cleanliness she will ask nicely to be let outside...but if I don't comply she will make me pay. She was meowing away and ...