The day began with wind. Then the rain accompanied. By noon it was snow dusting. Evening brought sunshine. And it made me realize, I am just like the weather in Alaska. Extreme. Inconsistent. Unpredictable.
It's no wonder my family often times tip-toe around me, always on eggshells, never knowing what mood I am in or what to expect. I would like to believe for the most part I'm happy, joyful even. But if I were honest I'd have to say it is all circumstantial. Point and case, I was for the most part a pretty nice human being last night. Sully and I were snuggled up on the couch watching 'Death Becomes Her' and making fun of Bruce Willis's ridiculous pre 'Die Hard' role, when my cat started meowing. Now my cat is for the most part pretty annoying. She's prissy about her litter box, meaning if I am not on top of it's cleanliness she will ask nicely to be let outside...but if I don't comply she will make me pay. She was meowing away and I was engrossed in the TV and next thing I know she pops a squat on the pile of clean laundry I threw on the sofa...the one I should have sat down and folded immediately but instead I just kept throwing them into piles of procrastination. Clean clothes no more. Mood irrevocably damaged. Night ruined. The remainder of my evening I was rewashing, re-drying, and folding...as salty as one can be. The cat was promptly evicted, forced to spend the night outside and think on what she had done, while I changed the litter like I should have days earlier. This is my life.
I am Alaska spring weather...everyday.
Hawaii. Oh how I long to be more like Hawaii. An almost constant 80 degrees and sunny. Sure the storms roll in, but the constant is what I am after. I want to be less like Alaska, more like Hawaii.
I have to assume it is a process. A sort of training yourself to not allow the circumstances that ebb and flow like the tide, drag you along with them.
Have you ever seen an old oak tree? It's hard to imagine it as a sprig, or even a seed. But we all start from that vulnerable place. I need roots, deep reaching. I can only find that in Christ. I am just a sapling, bending with the wind, drowning in the floods, and withering in the sun. Time. I need to have patience. I need to allow God to work in me, find contentment in where I am. I don't even appreciate the growth I've experienced because I am in such a hurry to expedite the process.
So my goal from here on out is to really put in the effort. To wake up and acknowledge that there will no doubt be monkey wrenches thrown into the works. Unfairness's. Heartbreak. Complications. Because that is LIFE. There will also be unexpected joys. Honesty. Love. Success. I need to CHOOSE. Every day. To weather the storms more gracefully, always trusting in God to reinforce where I am weak.
Ultimately it is perfectionism that chokes me out. Striving again and again for the unattainable, and it destroys everything good in my life. The quest for perfection will always lead you to disappointment. I am always disappointed. And it's poison. My moods are a direct result of that. Why can't I accept that my house will be messy, because it's lived in. That my husband will make mistakes, because he's human. My kids will make poor choices, after all they are learning. I want to micromanage, over organize, and control everything...I want it all to be impeccable. And when it falls apart, so do I.
All my life I imagined Satan as this little red devil who goes around trying to get you to do naughty things. Standing on your shoulder with pitch fork in hand, whispering obvious no-no's in your ear. Lie. Cheat. Steal. But that is not the character of Lucifer. He is far more cunning than that. After all, when you become a Christian you are watching for that. It's in the subtle, seemingly good that he lies in wait. He distorts, corrupts, and deceives. He cloaks himself in beauty, and gently nudges us towards what we believe to be innocent. He strokes our egos, and convinces us that selfishness is virtuous. He dwells in doubt. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Division. Ungratefulness. Chaos. Anytime we see these things bubble up like oil into the fields of our existence, we should immediately recognize it for what it is...Evil. We give Satan far to much credit, because most times all it takes from him is the suggestion, we are the ones who run with it. We make his work easy don't we. I am convinced that is why we are continually asked in the scriptures to 'die to ourselves' (Luke 9:23-24) As long as we are self seeking. Self fulfilling. Selfish. Satan has a foothold in our lives.
We have an old barn. It is beautifully rustic, and it serves its purpose as a shelter for our little goats. Unfortunately is also a haven for vermin. It is sealed up pretty tight, but there is this small space that looked so unassuming, we didn't bother to plug it up. We had no idea how much of a problem that small crack would become. The barn is infested. Yesterday when I pulled open the barn doors I saw hundreds of rodents scatter. One tiny aperture created a climate for infestation. It's time to seal the breach.
Weigh-ins are in a week. That will mark 30 days. That perfectionism that I am fighting definitely plays a role here. I have had about as many off days as I have had on...so I know the number on the scale will likely convey less progress than I had hoped for. However, because I am keeping this blog; I can counter that with much more substantial progress, which I believe will ultimately be the key to overall success. Not just in the size of jeans I wear, but the person I am.
I am Alaska spring weather...everyday.
Hawaii. Oh how I long to be more like Hawaii. An almost constant 80 degrees and sunny. Sure the storms roll in, but the constant is what I am after. I want to be less like Alaska, more like Hawaii.
I have to assume it is a process. A sort of training yourself to not allow the circumstances that ebb and flow like the tide, drag you along with them.
Have you ever seen an old oak tree? It's hard to imagine it as a sprig, or even a seed. But we all start from that vulnerable place. I need roots, deep reaching. I can only find that in Christ. I am just a sapling, bending with the wind, drowning in the floods, and withering in the sun. Time. I need to have patience. I need to allow God to work in me, find contentment in where I am. I don't even appreciate the growth I've experienced because I am in such a hurry to expedite the process.
So my goal from here on out is to really put in the effort. To wake up and acknowledge that there will no doubt be monkey wrenches thrown into the works. Unfairness's. Heartbreak. Complications. Because that is LIFE. There will also be unexpected joys. Honesty. Love. Success. I need to CHOOSE. Every day. To weather the storms more gracefully, always trusting in God to reinforce where I am weak.
Ultimately it is perfectionism that chokes me out. Striving again and again for the unattainable, and it destroys everything good in my life. The quest for perfection will always lead you to disappointment. I am always disappointed. And it's poison. My moods are a direct result of that. Why can't I accept that my house will be messy, because it's lived in. That my husband will make mistakes, because he's human. My kids will make poor choices, after all they are learning. I want to micromanage, over organize, and control everything...I want it all to be impeccable. And when it falls apart, so do I.
All my life I imagined Satan as this little red devil who goes around trying to get you to do naughty things. Standing on your shoulder with pitch fork in hand, whispering obvious no-no's in your ear. Lie. Cheat. Steal. But that is not the character of Lucifer. He is far more cunning than that. After all, when you become a Christian you are watching for that. It's in the subtle, seemingly good that he lies in wait. He distorts, corrupts, and deceives. He cloaks himself in beauty, and gently nudges us towards what we believe to be innocent. He strokes our egos, and convinces us that selfishness is virtuous. He dwells in doubt. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Division. Ungratefulness. Chaos. Anytime we see these things bubble up like oil into the fields of our existence, we should immediately recognize it for what it is...Evil. We give Satan far to much credit, because most times all it takes from him is the suggestion, we are the ones who run with it. We make his work easy don't we. I am convinced that is why we are continually asked in the scriptures to 'die to ourselves' (Luke 9:23-24) As long as we are self seeking. Self fulfilling. Selfish. Satan has a foothold in our lives.
We have an old barn. It is beautifully rustic, and it serves its purpose as a shelter for our little goats. Unfortunately is also a haven for vermin. It is sealed up pretty tight, but there is this small space that looked so unassuming, we didn't bother to plug it up. We had no idea how much of a problem that small crack would become. The barn is infested. Yesterday when I pulled open the barn doors I saw hundreds of rodents scatter. One tiny aperture created a climate for infestation. It's time to seal the breach.
Weigh-ins are in a week. That will mark 30 days. That perfectionism that I am fighting definitely plays a role here. I have had about as many off days as I have had on...so I know the number on the scale will likely convey less progress than I had hoped for. However, because I am keeping this blog; I can counter that with much more substantial progress, which I believe will ultimately be the key to overall success. Not just in the size of jeans I wear, but the person I am.
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