Isolated. It has been said that I am co-dependant. I recently looked up the definition of co-dependacy to really take an honest evaluation as to wether or not I agree with the assemtment. Talk about opening pandoras box. There are MANY opinions of what co-dependacy looks like, some align with my personality and others are completey off base. Ultimately I found I don't fit in a co-dependacy box, but have some of the traits. What made me dive into this line of thinking you might ask?
Back to work day. For nearly the entirety of my marriage to Sully (minus one year) worked oilfield shift work. We have lived our lives in hitches. So you'd think after twelve years of this routine I would have gotten used to time apart. I haven't. In fact it's gotten worse. I am plagued with irrational anxiety the second that chopper hit's the rig. I dread sleeping alone, and usually I sleep so poorly because I am paranoid I won't wake up if the kids call for me, or one of them gets sick, or the smoke alarms are going off...or there is an earthquake, someone could rob the house, or a bear could eat our goats. Although I know there are crazy stress cases out there who can identify with this, I know many of you are probably thinking...WOW!
Last night as I lay awake, exhausted, I started contemplating this whole co-dependacy conundrum. So I used my insomnia to study. What better place to search out answers than the scriptures? When God created Adam, the first human, he concluded it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). I was created to need companionship. It is in our very nature to resist solidatry. I think like all things on this fallen earth our troubles arise in overindulgence. When our earthly relationships become idols. When a human relationship takes the place of your relationship with God.
Honestly, reading through all the information on co-dependacy I had to laugh a little, because EVERY HUMAN BEING is somewhat co-dependant. Because no matter what anyone might say, the truth is we all yearn to be loved, to be accepted as we are. I think certain persoanlity types are more at risk to be in unhealthy relationships. I am definately in that high risk catagory. I have a really hard time establishing boundaries with people, I absolutely am driven by fear or guilt, and I would rather put myself out than someone else. I hate confrontation.
But those are all truly just symptoms of a weakness in my faith. Over this past year I grappled with a lot of things surrounding the loss of my mom. One of the things that was most traumatic was figuring out my relatioship with Jesus on my own, apart from her. It was really easy to lean on my mom's wisdom to forumulate my opinions throughout my life. But the closest I've ever been to my Heavenly Father has been those times when I was very much standing on my own two feet. Something my mom had encouraged more often than not...but I just didn't understand.
I am so thankful for GRACE. God's unending patience as we muddle our way though and figure things out. Studying the bible on my own, allowing the Holy Spirit access, and cultivating my own relationship with Christ. I look at how we begin as humans, the entire process takes a lifetime. I truly believe it is the same way in our walk with the Lord. You can't skip a level, or jump ahead. Some stages are easier than others, but each has it's own set of growing pains...and thriving.
Learning how to balance is something I will likely spend my liftetime trying to master. Balance my relationships to food, to other people, to fillers that take the place of God in my life. All of it is connected.
Nobody can fill the God shaped hole in my life. The more I try to stuff Sully, the kids, or pizza into it the more I come up disenchanted. Learning how to seek God to calm my unrest, ultimately that will be the missing piece to the puzzle of my existence. Romans 15:13 ~ May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
There we are again. That little tiny word that seems to seep into my blog more often than I care to admit...TRUST. When you trust God, you are filled with joy and peace, overflowing with hope. Why do we continually forget? We hand ourselves over to God only to yank back the control when we feel even the slightest bit of discomfort. How easy it is to trust and obey when things are good. Yet when you get in a fight with your spouse, your kid gets sick, you feel betrayed, hurt, ugly, unwanted. When jobs are lost, bills are unpaid, trucks break down, illness, disease, or death darken our doors. I am always yanking it back. And time, and time again I prove I'm not equiped for this. I make a mess and stand sheepishly at the feet of my Heavenly Father begging for him to fix it. He doesn't gloat, or grumble 'I told you so', and he doesn't roll out the record of wrongs to add it to the list. Instead he offeres grace. THIS IS MY SAVIOR. It's a wonder that knowing ALL OF THIS, I still lose sleep. I still doubt. I still usurp his authority. And it's a wonder despite it all...he meets me every single time with arms outstretched. Perfect. Unconditional. Supernatural.
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