Day Thirty-Four

This kid used to eat rocks. He also drank puddle water. Therefor the majority of his diaper wearing days we were dealing with gravel and dysentery. My firstborn. And today I realized that in 2025 he will be a man embarking out into this crazy world without me.

7 years. I have seven measly years left with my baby boy. I think what scares me more than anything else is that I feel like I'm not doing the best job at leading by example. I kept thinking I would have more time. If procrastination were a country, I would be it's Queen. There are things I know my kids are gleaning from me that are good. Things I can be proud of for instilling in them. And there are things that need to amended. 12 years ago you'd be hard pressed to hear a curse word come flying out of my mouth. That is not the case today. Today I lost count of how many foul words rolled off my tongue. A goat jumped on my clean clothes during feeding this morning *BEEP* I caught my pajama bottoms on the bed while making it this morning causing me to trip into the wall *BEEP* My daughter left a sleeping bag in the Ranger and it is now filled with rainwater *BEEP* I could go on, and on. Why am I so concerned with the state of my language you might ask? Luke 6:45 is my answer. From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

It goes so much deeper than just cussing. It floods into gossip, negativity, unkindness, and even self deprecation. Have you ever caught yourself saying something really ugly and then tried to say, "I'm just upset, I don't mean it." This scripture voids that justification. The cold hard truth is that what we say on a daily basis determines who we are at the soulular level.

My mom used to put that scripture in my lunch box when I was a teenager. It stayed with me all of my life. So many verses talk about our tongues. James 3:5 "The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do."  Proverbs 18:21 "Words kill, words give life; their either poison or fruit...you choose." Proverbs 21:23 "He who guards his mouth and tongue, keeps himself from calamity" There are 80 verse that reference the tongue to be exact.

I know that my children are less impacted by what I preach to them, and more so by what I do. If I tell them not to say 'bad words' or to be unkind shouldn't I live that out myself? Do as I say, not as I do?! I don't know when my heart got so corrupted. I think it was a little bit at a time. What we put in, is what we get out right? What we listen to on the radio, what we watch on TV, are they the things we want our children to hear, to watch? If not, then why are we doing it? Sometimes being a parent means sacrificing, but is it even a sacrifice in this case? Will I miss the rancid rap music that boasts of drug usage and immorality, or the shows that portray it? What good comes of any of it?

I want my heart to overflow kindness, forgiveness, grace, mercy, love, and gratitude. Those are the things that I want to pour out over my children. I want to be a mirror that reflects Christ and not this world.

I can't force them to be good people. Free will allows them to choose for themselves ultimately what kind of humans they will become. But as parents we have such a responsibility to guide our kids into maturity. There are many ways to go about it too. You can set up a legalistic house of cards, where there are strict rules and consequences and the only explanations is 'because I said so' or you can try and be their friend and use the justification that if YOU allow certain behavior then they won't try and do it in secret. Neither of those even remotely appeal to me. I'm still floundering trying to find that middle ground of efficiency.

In a marriage you are a team. For the most part Sully and I are in sync with how we want to raise these little hoodlums. In many ways I hinder him because I undermine his authority. Obviously it is not malicious but unproductive nonetheless. There are also areas where we differ in our preferences of lifestyle. Just like in your married relationship, in parenting there is common ground, there is give and take, and there is compromise. Figuring it all out while trying to properly raise your kids can sometimes be messy. Sometimes our selfishness gets in the way, we choose not to give up our vices even if it is in the greater good of the family. Sometimes we surprise each other with the sacrifice. All the while the kids are looking on, taking notes...and that is terrifying.

Selfishness is the poison to any family tree. It infects the roots, and slowly sucks the life out of what once thrived. I recognize it in myself. When I'm to busy on my phone to play with my kids. When I'm tired and don't feel like reading them a bedtime story. When I'm frustrated and yell at them. When I don't want to change, or give something up, but it's existence in my life affects them. I coddle myself thinking of some of the worst case scenario parents, at least I'm not like them. Shouldn't I instead keep pushing to be the best I can be. Not to compete with who I perceive to be the best, or to be better than who I perceive to be the worst. But to know I am doing MY best as a mother, and wife.

I love them. More than words can adequately express. I know that despite all of the best intentions I am going to screw up. There are no perfect parents. But I can safely say I am not giving this my all. And they deserve better. And it doesn't change over night. But consciously choosing everyday to notice. To be aware. Mindful. To continually and purposefully choose to live less for me, more for God, and lead by example. To make better use of my time. To use better dialogue. Ultimately to be who I want to see in them.

I am all about symbolic reminders. When my mom was alive she and I designed a beautiful tattoo with Luke 6:45 scrolled into it, I wanted it on my wrist as a daily reminder to be conscious of my heart condition. Due to my histamine issues I have developed pressure urticaria which means until it is healed I cannot get a tattoo. So for a temporary fix I am using my mom's bracelet. It even has little hearts on it. I know that at first it's going to be really hard to tame the tongue. But I'm ready.

I have found that God often meats me in the menial. In the folding of a t-shirt with a Bulldog...He would stir my heart another resolve for metanoia.