Metanoia

I started this blog a year ago. I named it Metanoia, because the definition of Metanoia is basically a change in ones way of life, change of mind. I needed both badly. I believe in the past year I made incredible progress into finding myself, or maybe redefining myself. Life is full of that isn't it? I had figure out who I was when I ventured out into the great big world as adult for the first time. Then I married. Then divorced. Married again. Became a mom. Lost my mom. All these instances I fumbled with my identity. And it wasn't until this past year that I became clear to me why I was floundering so much with each circumstance. Because I wasn't rooted. And the ONLY place one can truly find themselves, the authentic created human being they are...is in their Creator. This world is a deceiver. And every time you chase after the things of it, you are left unsatisfied. I have rooted myself in all the wrong places and I have withered, been trampled on,  and I have been bro

With only one hundred and twenty days left, the bulk of the year is already behind me. I knew when I began this journey that the goal couldn't be JUST a change on the scale. It had to be a lifestyle change entirely. Like clay to the kiln there has to be a painful refining process. I had to stop measuring success with a worldly viewpoint. In Hawaii I got celebrate some huge victories, ones that the old Joy wouldn't have acknowledged. The old Joy was in a chronic quest for perfection, and anything short of it was unworthy of appreciation. I was living in a perpetual state of 'when I am skinny'. I was missing my life, striving for the unachievable for all the wrong reasons. And when you can't accept yourself as you are, then you are discontent. And if you can't love yourself as you are, you can't accept love from others.  My mom lived in this hell her entire life, and she WAS skinny. I had hopes of our Hawaiian vacation to be in February, it would buy m

One of those days. To each and every one of us ‘those’ holds a different meaning…however, when this phrase is uttered we somehow all understand and empathize. Generally, no details are even needed. We can pull from the bushel of our ‘those days’ and just nod . I feel ya buddy. I’ve had those too.   Friday was one of those days. Sometimes I wonder how often when you argue with your spouse, how much of your genuine irritation is directly aimed and your significant other or if a good portion of it is projected. Today I would have to humbly admit that most of my annoyance with Sully was really at myself… and his uncanny ability to point that out to me in a way that causes the little lightbulb dangling above my oblivious head to illuminate. I hate it when that happens. When you feel all justified and you are prancing around on your regal high horse and some peasant has the nerve to knock you off! Then when you know you’re wrong instead of just raising the white flag of peace you de

I feel like I need to lead into this with a disclaimer of sorts. I am a firm believer that if one goes traveling into the wilds of Alaska (and in some cases the concrete jungles of Los Anchorage) one should always have a firearm. I personally like to carry my .357 while hiking, and along with that you can often find me toting an airhorn. I usually give the airhorn to one of my kids, so that if the noise doesn't deter an angry bear, I can be ready with some lead pursuasion. Teamwork. This morning as I was getting the farm chores wrapped up and getting ready to load Kimber up in the Ranger for our daily walk, I neglected to grab my pistola. I always have an airhorn in the glovebox of my ranger, but it is only part two of my two part self protection system. Part one being my loaded gun. I didn't sweat it when I parked the Ranger and realized I had ambled off without part one of two. I shoved the airhorn in my pocket and we went on our way. A good two miles into our walk Kimbe

I recently watched an episode of North Woods Law. There was a woman who hiked the Appalachian Trail and had disappeared. Her husband, authorities, and volunteers searched for weeks, following many promising leads...but ultimately they came up empty handed. It was years later they learned that she had walked off the trail to use the restroom and got turned around. She decided to stop after wandering aimlessly for miles and hoped that help would come. She set up camp and tried to survive on what little rations she had. She was found deceased in her sleeping bag, sadly just mere miles from a logging road that led to civilization.  Even though you know the outcome, you still find yourself desperate for a better ending. I have had my share of scares, wandering off the beaten path into the woods. One time in particular I was with my parents moose hunting, the fog set in making it hard to determine what direction you were headed. The Alaska landscape didn't help either, everything

I'm ninety days into this. I haven't blogged everyday as I had hoped, but lets face it...more often than not I don't have enough material to keep anyone interested on a daily basis. I have learned a lot about myself in the last ninety days. This morning I found myself mired in discontentment in my progress. Although I am no where near where I was when I started, I am still not nearly as far as I had hoped by this time. And while I was stewing on my perceived failures I kept coming back to a lesson my very wise husband had given me on the drywall of the dive shop he owned. We were living in Hawaii. I had asked him to explain what 'The Bends' was. So many divers shuffling in and out of the dive shop refilling their oxygen tanks and that term often fell from their lips in a somber tone. I didn't know that day that I would later marry Sully. I didn't know that I would stash that conversation away or that it would be such a profound epiphany in relating to m