I started this blog a year ago. I named it Metanoia, because the definition of Metanoia is basically a change in ones way of life, change of mind. I needed both badly. I believe in the past year I made incredible progress into finding myself, or maybe redefining myself. Life is full of that isn't it? I had figure out who I was when I ventured out into the great big world as adult for the first time. Then I married. Then divorced. Married again. Became a mom. Lost my mom. All these instances I fumbled with my identity. And it wasn't until this past year that I became clear to me why I was floundering so much with each circumstance. Because I wasn't rooted. And the ONLY place one can truly find themselves, the authentic created human being they are...is in their Creator. This world is a deceiver. And every time you chase after the things of it, you are left unsatisfied. I have rooted myself in all the wrong places and I have withered, been trampled on, and I have been broken. I have learned so much in this past year. I wish I could tell you that you come out of the refining process this new creation completely hopeful and energized. Maybe some people do. For me I feel like I just left the battlefield. I'm worn. I'm weary. I'm keenly aware of what lies ahead. I'm stronger. Wiser. I have spent thirty seven years of my life thinking it was all up to me. That it was my job to make everyone else happy. That it was my job to fix the things wrong in other peoples lives. That the salvation of everyone I know and love lies squarely on my inept shoulders. That Sully's walk, my kids relationship with God, and so much more. It was my job. I also believed that it was by my own sheer will I had to overcome my battles with anxiety, depression, obesity, and various other flawed human traits I possessed. And every time I failed miserably, I believed it must be that I wasn't a good enough Christian. I didn't have enough faith. I can't even articulate the weight of those thoughts.
I began 2019 out incredibly despondent. There was an unreasonable amount of drama swirling around me. I am like a flame that beacons the dysfunctional moths of this world. I have come to realize that it is the enabler in me. I used to call it nicer words like kindness, empathy or compassion. But God has since revealed to me otherwise. People who are co-dependent (and aren't we all to a degree co-depend in our humanity?) but the really unhealthy kind, the kind that manipulate, abuse, and harm. Those are the ones who seemed to want to be in my life. I never recognized them before, these relationships. I can't decide if I was genuinely blind to it, or if I just wanted to be accepted and loved so badly that I chose to ignore it. My rose colored glasses personality wanted to believe better than what reality was so plainly exposing. I think the trick now is not becoming jaded in my newfound cognizance. If a relationship is distinctly one sided, or if you are only acknowledged by what you can offer the person, and most importantly if you walk away from spending time with someone and you feel drained or unhappy...that relationship isn't good for you, or them. Misery loves company. I just wasn't in a place in my life that I could be honest or establish healthy boundaries. I cared far to much about what people thought of me. I didn't fully comprehend that I had victimized myself internally, likening my sacrifice of self in sort of martyr way...when in actuality I was worse than the perpetrator.
I can only describe the last nearly five months as heavy. Like a traveler wandering aimlessly in the desert with a lot of unnecessary luggage. I know better. As a child I loved to listen to Psalty the Singing Song Book to go to sleep every night. They sang a version of 1 Peter 5:7..."I cast all my cares upon you, I lay all of my burdens down at your feet, and anytime I don't know what to do...I will cast all my cares upon you." As a child that entailed bad dreams or Sally being unkind at school. But as an adult those cares are much more complicated, and my unyielding need for control has hindered my release of said cares. So instead I insist on carrying it all around with me. It's frustrating knowing that the root of my problems lie in my lack of faith. Because in all honesty. I can tell you that I trust God with my life, with my husband, with my kids, with my family and friends. But my lifestyle says otherwise. And the condition of my physical body, and the condition of my weary soul say otherwise too. I just wonder...how long will I willfully choose to wander the desert with so much in tow?!
Like all things in my life, to understand...I have to research. When my mom got the diagnosis of Cancer that's what I did for seven months. I read medical journals, blogs of women who were suffering her same fate, books on holistic healing, I know more about metastatic breast cancer than I want to. When my pre-teen child approached me regarding pornography I immediately researched books, scientific studies, scripture, and thousands of articles and online opinion pieces on the subject. I know more about the dangers and effects of pornography than I want to. I do this in every avenue of my life. I had stacks of books on parenting, marriage, obesity, depression, anxiety, health & wellness. I am a wealth of information these days I tell ya. I have stacks of books on suffering, death, heaven, hell, and grief. I have always found that any information consumed needs to be checked according to the scriptures, and I rely heavily on the Holy Spirit to use discernment when studying topics that are more taboo in dealing with our ever changing culture in America. Because opinion is absolutely useless if it contradicts the Word of God. Before I digress I will swing my way back around to the point...I was the traveler in the desert wandering. Reading book after book, and although the information was incredible useful, nothing was striking a chord. And then I read 'Goliath Must Fall' by Louie Giglio.
Have you ever gone to church, sat in a pew and thought...What the heck?! This sermon was written for me! How did this preacher know?! That happened to me when I read this book. God had some hard truths I needed to hear and ready or not here they came! I could highly recommend this book, and the seven or eight others I have devoured over the past few months...but I honestly don't know if my adoration for the life changing words scrolled across the pages of this book will impact you the way it impacted me. I would definitely say, it's worth your time! I will try and give you a glimpse into what forever changed my perception at dealing with the issues in my life, without murdering Louie Giglio's eloquently written thoughts. No promises.
The first amazing revelation that happened was early on in the book. When he takes you back to valley of Elah where David meets Goliath. A story you undoubtedly heard a time or two in your Sunday school class as a kid. I have heard the story, read the story and actually heard a few sermons on account. In every instance I was taught or interpreted that I could be like David, that if I had strong enough faith God would give me the ability to slay my 'giants'. But you know...I have had quite a few of these menacing ogres in my midst and I have taken up my stones in the name of the Lord cast them only to find failure. Louie set me free from this misconception and changed my mindset entirely when he said WE ARE NOT DAVID in this story. Jesus is. MIND BLOWN!!! Then he goes on to pronounce...our 'giants' (Fear, Rejection, Addiction, Anger & Comfort) and all that those particular strongholds encompass, are already dead. Let me repeat that. Jesus already conquered our giants. All these years I was standing at the foot of a menacing behemoth in my own valley of Elah with five smooth stones gripped in my hand and suddenly the landscape has changed. My giants are already slain. All I have to do is accept that, and live in victory over it.
The book cannot be summarized by me in a short blog. I already feel like I am doing it a grave injustice. But I can tell you how much freedom and hope welled up in me as I read this book. I think one of the best analogies in this book was when he likened our sin issues, our giants, to a serpent. When you chop a poisonous snakes head off it is dead. But it still dangerous. The fangs still contain one more deadly bite off venom. That's why most times you bury the head. "The body squirms, as if it's still alive...making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. But that is all it can do: give you a scare. The danger of dead snakes doesn't provide an exact analogy, of course, but they picture much of thee God-truth we're tying to unfold. Satan was defeated on the cross. The battle was over. The victory was won. That's all past tense. Thanks to the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus, Christ has rendered Satan powerless. But Satan can still wriggle and squirm and make the hairs on our necks stand up. If we step on Satan's fangs, he can still poison us and cause serious harm. We're not in heaven yet, and the Enemy is still prowling around on the planet. His body is still flailing about, and he is still dangerous. If we listen to the Enemy, or if we follow his evil schemes, or if we mess with any of the practices he lays claim to, we will self-inject that poison into our lives. The poison will diminish our hope and weaken the abundant reality of what our lives can be in Christ." Your giant is dead. And yet...your giant is still deadly.
Obviously, there is a lot more to it than just saying, "welp my issues are already conquered by Christ...there is nothing required by me!" Of all the gems in this book the following paragraph stood out to me...
"Probably the greatest lie of all when we are facing our addictions is that we can wage the battle on our own. Because our sin, shame, inadequacy, and fear have us in a cover-up, we want to work ourselves free in the privacy of our won lives. We're afraid of being known, of being honest, of being vulnerable. But the ABLE comes with being honest with God and with those around us. When Jesus called Lazarus out of the grave, he still wasn't completely free. He was miraculously alive, yet he was still bound by the strips of burial linen that had been layered around his body in death. Lazarus stumbled out of the tomb at the command of Jesus, but then Jesus gave instructions to the people: Unwrap him and let him go!" (John 11:44) How many times have you felt something powerful in your heart and promised God everything would change? In a moment of surrender you swore you'd never return to your addiction again. You were convinced you'd walk different from that point on. But the layers of addictive behavior still encase you in a cocoon of defeat, and much sooner than you thought, your promises were swirling down the drain. What happened? you ask. I thought this giant was dead?! Because of Christ, the giant is done. And more, your intentions were strong. It wasn't your desire that failed you. It wasn't your plan that let you down. Your plan was to keep things on the down low. Not to tell anyone. Deal with it yourself. Keep things in the dark. But freedom happens in the light. Jesus is the Light of the World, and he works most powerfully in us when we bring our brokenness and hurt, or sin and shame, into the light of grace. If we don't, we can fool those around us, but they will never truly know us. This cycle of never being known drives us deeper into the vortex of the cover-up and makes us anemic. We don't want to take the 'hit' of coming clean, or maybe we just can't quite admit we are addicted in the first place. But in the end we are silenced by our inability to open up to the love of God and help of others. You are free in Christ the instant you place your trust in him. But it may be that you need to call on those standing close by to help unravel the layers."
I loved this books break down of the 'giants' that most people face. When I started the book and saw the five listed in the contents I knew immediately which ones I didn't have! Sadly as I read into the dynamics of each and every one I knew I had a long road ahead of me. Thankfully the book, or rather God...does the hard lifting for you. You are presented with the names of your giants (Fear, Rejection, Addiction, Anger & Comfort) and that feels a little overwhelming. Here I was thinking I had one issue that needed addressing and come to find out that tiny issue is just an appendage of a couple of the giants that I didn't realize I was facing. But then you rest in the assurance that Jesus has already defeated these giants. They are dead. "God isn't asking me to 'try harder' or make everything new on my own. He is simply asking me to see him-to see the work he has done for me and to believe again that he can raise me from the ashes of defeat. I just need to set my attention on him and rest in his grace. Goliath must fall. My Goliath must fall. My Goliath must fall because Jesus is already victorious. I just have to walk in the freedom that he has won."
How do you do that? One step at a time. Each and every day.
I had hoped that as I reached a year on this blog that I would have reached a miraculous transformation, Metanoia. So here I go venturing into year two on my journey. Feeling extremely tired...but optimistic. Baring my soul to whomever comes here to read it. Fighting against the cover-up and bringing my struggles into the Light. Thank you to everyone who scrolls through my jumbled thoughts, you are a huge part of my accountability. I can only hope that God continues to work in my life, purging me of the impurities of my sinful nature, continually refining me...painful and raw. I never imagined I would hope for that.
"I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, its your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory." ~ 1 Peter 1:6-7
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