With only one hundred and twenty days left, the bulk of the year is already behind me. I knew when I began this journey that the goal couldn't be JUST a change on the scale. It had to be a lifestyle change entirely. Like clay to the kiln there has to be a painful refining process.
I had to stop measuring success with a worldly viewpoint. In Hawaii I got celebrate some huge victories, ones that the old Joy wouldn't have acknowledged. The old Joy was in a chronic quest for perfection, and anything short of it was unworthy of appreciation. I was living in a perpetual state of 'when I am skinny'. I was missing my life, striving for the unachievable for all the wrong reasons. And when you can't accept yourself as you are, then you are discontent. And if you can't love yourself as you are, you can't accept love from others. My mom lived in this hell her entire life, and she WAS skinny.
I had hopes of our Hawaiian vacation to be in February, it would buy me some more time to lose a little more weight. But in October we did a crazy fly by the seat of your pants family vacation booking for November/December. I probably gained weight before we left, due to stress and Thanksgiving. Typically my weight holds me back. Especially in bathing suit attire. Years prior you could find me fully clothed poolside while my family frolicked in the water. If I did venture in, I'd usually wear my swimsuit cover while swimming...which looks fairly ridiculous and is not easy to swim in either. Not only did I self loathe, I was bitter and resentful to the beautiful bikini clad babes that were unlucky enough to grace the same pools and beaches as us. I let my mind run rampant with accusations that Sully was oogling them, wishing I looked more like them. Granted I am not naive enough to think my husband is blind to an attractive woman, however the likelihood was stronger that he was sizing up the waterfall wondering if he could take his C-1 off that drop. It was usually just me stewing in my own self generated negative landscape. That was the old me.
I think for me the true change came when I went searching for the character of Jesus. The more I dove into WHO He is and HIS love for me...the more I understood who I am, and learn to love myself. And I didn't think I had really come that far until we stayed at the Kings Land in Kona. When looking for a resort for our crew, of course we wanted the one that boasted TEN glorious pools! My kids should have been born with gills, we knew immediately that was the right fit for us. Us. I was surprised day one when I WANTED to swim. I brought two swimsuits, neither were flattering. And any discomfort I felt walking from the poolside to the water melted away when I saw how unbelievably happy my kids were that I was actually swimming with them.
That self generated negative landscape tried to crop up a few times. I often assume what other people are thinking of me, and I've learned that is just a horrid waste of my time and energy. Usually people are not thinking the awful things that I've conjured up in my own head, and honestly if they are...that's on them. Letting go the things you cant control...especially other peoples opinions of you is one of the hardest things to do. Then controlling that jealous catty unkindness towards others in yourself is the second. I had to be very intentional when it come to other women, especially the seemingly flawless ones. Strangely when encountering a woman who has the same struggles as my own I don't have to fight off the condescending commentary, instead I usually find myself saying 'you go girl' or 'way to go' cause I know that struggle. But woe to the pretty lady who has toned legs and a flat stomach. Crazy how our insecurities spawn from our own bad behavior. No wonder I was assuming people were being so unkind in their thoughts of me...I was being terribly unkind in my thoughts of them! So I tried every time I encountered another woman, no matter her size or her appearance to say positive things about them in my mind. To celebrate their beauty, in whatever package it came in. And low and behold the more I did that...the better I felt about myself. When I would lose that battle, I could feel the self deprecation begin.
Despite the lackluster results on the scale, I was super stoked at how much energy and stamina I had for hiking this trip. We did quite a few walks, and I never felt like I was going to die. In fact, poor Aiden was certain of his impending doom when we hiked out of Pololu Valley. I remember thinking it was going to be a doozy climbing up out of it, when we wandered down the trail...but the beautiful beaches and forest totally distracted me from thinking to much about it. As we started our ascent I was pleasantly surprised at how good I felt. I would take lots of breaks with Aiden, my poor Alaskan kid cannot handle the heat. We stopped at every shady spot along the trail. And to encourage him I would joke about the old fogies with their walking sticks who were making better time than us. Of course my insanely in shape husband and daughter ran up out of it like it was just another walk in the park, then Sully ran back down to give Aiden water...and without much of a break ran back out. Show off. 😜 But as we reached the top, Aiden gasping for air and me cheering him on...I was super happy that I didn't feel the way he did. Because generally speaking...when you are carrying an extra 50-70 pounds exercise of any kind hurts. And in true kid fashion as soon as he was in the cool of the A/C he was recouped from his near death experience. (His words, not mine)
I didn't dodge the camera like I usually do with my precisely angled selfies. I let people take my picture and I even posted the ones I would usually toss in the virtual trash can. Why? Cause that's how I look. And I truly believe that being okay with that is a key part of the process in CHANGING. I didn't eat overly healthy while on island, in fact for the past few months I have been yo-yoing between 210 and 220. I did choose fresh guacamole over ice cream, but those malasadas did me no favors. LOL.
Unfortunately I think the reason for my stall in weight loss is the reoccurrence of candida overgrowth symptoms. Thankfully I've been through this before and know exactly how to remedy it. As much as I don't want to go back on the Candida detox and diet, I know it is imperative to my health. It's interesting how we do good for a long time and then slowly add in bad habits. One of my bad habits I think is the leading contributor to my recurrence of candida. Diet Pepsi. Thankfully the Candida Diet explicitly restricts artificial sweeteners for the 3 months you're on it...so this time I will just be more diligent in NOT reintroducing it. Another perk to eating clean for long periods of time is when you do reintroduce crap you can taste it for what it is...once you've cleaned your pallet things like aspartame taste like a chemical and its unappealing. When I have a full blown candida overgrowth I don't sleep so I rely heavily on over the counter medicines, I struggle with depression and anxiety, my joints hurt, and I have no motivation whatsoever. I also start getting hives, pressure urticaria, and horrible rashes. It's pretty miserable. I am thrilled that despite all of the above I haven't gained back the weight that I lost. And I'm super thankful that I am not flying into this blindly like I was a year ago...I know what to expect and how maintain the diet and then how to go on with the lifestyle afterwards...this time without the relapse.
I can safely say that although the scale as moved slower than a tortoise over the past two hundred and forty five days, I have seen rabbit like progression in other areas of my life. Honestly the ones that are of much more importance in the grand scheme of things. As we round the corner of 2018 and prepare for the New Year, I am content. I love my life, flaws and all.
I had to stop measuring success with a worldly viewpoint. In Hawaii I got celebrate some huge victories, ones that the old Joy wouldn't have acknowledged. The old Joy was in a chronic quest for perfection, and anything short of it was unworthy of appreciation. I was living in a perpetual state of 'when I am skinny'. I was missing my life, striving for the unachievable for all the wrong reasons. And when you can't accept yourself as you are, then you are discontent. And if you can't love yourself as you are, you can't accept love from others. My mom lived in this hell her entire life, and she WAS skinny.
I had hopes of our Hawaiian vacation to be in February, it would buy me some more time to lose a little more weight. But in October we did a crazy fly by the seat of your pants family vacation booking for November/December. I probably gained weight before we left, due to stress and Thanksgiving. Typically my weight holds me back. Especially in bathing suit attire. Years prior you could find me fully clothed poolside while my family frolicked in the water. If I did venture in, I'd usually wear my swimsuit cover while swimming...which looks fairly ridiculous and is not easy to swim in either. Not only did I self loathe, I was bitter and resentful to the beautiful bikini clad babes that were unlucky enough to grace the same pools and beaches as us. I let my mind run rampant with accusations that Sully was oogling them, wishing I looked more like them. Granted I am not naive enough to think my husband is blind to an attractive woman, however the likelihood was stronger that he was sizing up the waterfall wondering if he could take his C-1 off that drop. It was usually just me stewing in my own self generated negative landscape. That was the old me.
I think for me the true change came when I went searching for the character of Jesus. The more I dove into WHO He is and HIS love for me...the more I understood who I am, and learn to love myself. And I didn't think I had really come that far until we stayed at the Kings Land in Kona. When looking for a resort for our crew, of course we wanted the one that boasted TEN glorious pools! My kids should have been born with gills, we knew immediately that was the right fit for us. Us. I was surprised day one when I WANTED to swim. I brought two swimsuits, neither were flattering. And any discomfort I felt walking from the poolside to the water melted away when I saw how unbelievably happy my kids were that I was actually swimming with them.
That self generated negative landscape tried to crop up a few times. I often assume what other people are thinking of me, and I've learned that is just a horrid waste of my time and energy. Usually people are not thinking the awful things that I've conjured up in my own head, and honestly if they are...that's on them. Letting go the things you cant control...especially other peoples opinions of you is one of the hardest things to do. Then controlling that jealous catty unkindness towards others in yourself is the second. I had to be very intentional when it come to other women, especially the seemingly flawless ones. Strangely when encountering a woman who has the same struggles as my own I don't have to fight off the condescending commentary, instead I usually find myself saying 'you go girl' or 'way to go' cause I know that struggle. But woe to the pretty lady who has toned legs and a flat stomach. Crazy how our insecurities spawn from our own bad behavior. No wonder I was assuming people were being so unkind in their thoughts of me...I was being terribly unkind in my thoughts of them! So I tried every time I encountered another woman, no matter her size or her appearance to say positive things about them in my mind. To celebrate their beauty, in whatever package it came in. And low and behold the more I did that...the better I felt about myself. When I would lose that battle, I could feel the self deprecation begin.
Despite the lackluster results on the scale, I was super stoked at how much energy and stamina I had for hiking this trip. We did quite a few walks, and I never felt like I was going to die. In fact, poor Aiden was certain of his impending doom when we hiked out of Pololu Valley. I remember thinking it was going to be a doozy climbing up out of it, when we wandered down the trail...but the beautiful beaches and forest totally distracted me from thinking to much about it. As we started our ascent I was pleasantly surprised at how good I felt. I would take lots of breaks with Aiden, my poor Alaskan kid cannot handle the heat. We stopped at every shady spot along the trail. And to encourage him I would joke about the old fogies with their walking sticks who were making better time than us. Of course my insanely in shape husband and daughter ran up out of it like it was just another walk in the park, then Sully ran back down to give Aiden water...and without much of a break ran back out. Show off. 😜 But as we reached the top, Aiden gasping for air and me cheering him on...I was super happy that I didn't feel the way he did. Because generally speaking...when you are carrying an extra 50-70 pounds exercise of any kind hurts. And in true kid fashion as soon as he was in the cool of the A/C he was recouped from his near death experience. (His words, not mine)
I didn't dodge the camera like I usually do with my precisely angled selfies. I let people take my picture and I even posted the ones I would usually toss in the virtual trash can. Why? Cause that's how I look. And I truly believe that being okay with that is a key part of the process in CHANGING. I didn't eat overly healthy while on island, in fact for the past few months I have been yo-yoing between 210 and 220. I did choose fresh guacamole over ice cream, but those malasadas did me no favors. LOL.
Unfortunately I think the reason for my stall in weight loss is the reoccurrence of candida overgrowth symptoms. Thankfully I've been through this before and know exactly how to remedy it. As much as I don't want to go back on the Candida detox and diet, I know it is imperative to my health. It's interesting how we do good for a long time and then slowly add in bad habits. One of my bad habits I think is the leading contributor to my recurrence of candida. Diet Pepsi. Thankfully the Candida Diet explicitly restricts artificial sweeteners for the 3 months you're on it...so this time I will just be more diligent in NOT reintroducing it. Another perk to eating clean for long periods of time is when you do reintroduce crap you can taste it for what it is...once you've cleaned your pallet things like aspartame taste like a chemical and its unappealing. When I have a full blown candida overgrowth I don't sleep so I rely heavily on over the counter medicines, I struggle with depression and anxiety, my joints hurt, and I have no motivation whatsoever. I also start getting hives, pressure urticaria, and horrible rashes. It's pretty miserable. I am thrilled that despite all of the above I haven't gained back the weight that I lost. And I'm super thankful that I am not flying into this blindly like I was a year ago...I know what to expect and how maintain the diet and then how to go on with the lifestyle afterwards...this time without the relapse.
I can safely say that although the scale as moved slower than a tortoise over the past two hundred and forty five days, I have seen rabbit like progression in other areas of my life. Honestly the ones that are of much more importance in the grand scheme of things. As we round the corner of 2018 and prepare for the New Year, I am content. I love my life, flaws and all.
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