I recently watched an episode of North Woods Law. There was a woman who hiked the Appalachian Trail and had disappeared. Her husband, authorities, and volunteers searched for weeks, following many promising leads...but ultimately they came up empty handed. It was years later they learned that she had walked off the trail to use the restroom and got turned around. She decided to stop after wandering aimlessly for miles and hoped that help would come. She set up camp and tried to survive on what little rations she had. She was found deceased in her sleeping bag, sadly just mere miles from a logging road that led to civilization. Even though you know the outcome, you still find yourself desperate for a better ending.
I have had my share of scares, wandering off the beaten path into the woods. One time in particular I was with my parents moose hunting, the fog set in making it hard to determine what direction you were headed. The Alaska landscape didn't help either, everything looked the same and you lose your sense of direction. I only walked in circles for a couple hours lost and it was exhausting both physically and emotionally. I can only empathize a sliver with the poor lost hiker. The moral of her story? Stay on the trail.
I haven't written in fifty-six days. And it wasn't until I began pondering the events of this woman's ordeal that I realized how far off the path I have wandered. The path for me is a healthy organized lifestyle. I've hiked the Russian River more than any other hike in Alaska. When the kids were little it was the only hike you could take a stroller on. Wide gravel paths all the way to the falls, with clear signage and lots of benches and rest stops along the way. For a beginning hiker it is ideal. As my kids grew, and our hiking skills improved we found less traveled and more complicated trails to explore. It seems for me, at this juncture in getting healthy I need the Russian River approach. A very regimented path, a daily routine that is intentional...until it becomes second nature.
For the past couple months I have been, what feels like, wandering aimlessly through the thicket...getting further and further away from the path. Why I frolicked off into the timbered unknown I can't quite put my finger on it. There were plenty of emotional triggers that I could easily blame for my careen off the lane. But ultimately the whole purpose of this blog and the last year is to finally be in a place where I can recognize circumstances and learn how to respond accordingly.
The good news...cause I am always looking for a silver lining...is that despite my departure from the straight and narrow, I managed to not gain weight. There is significance in this. For the past decade or more the cycle has ALWAYS been...lose weight then quit and gain it all back and then some. In my two month sabbatical away an intentional way of life, I did not go back into old routines entirely and sabotage my progress. I was never overly excited to see the number 210 staring back at me on the old scale two months ago, even though it was an easier number to swallow knowing just a few short months prior it had read 250. But this morning when I stepped on the scale that I had been avoiding like the plague for nearly sixty long days...when the 209 flashed before my eyes I was in utter shock! And as good as that was, there was a sting in knowing had I stuck to things I could have lost 20 pounds instead of maintaining...and been at 190...ahhhhhh, ONEderland! Kind of want to kick myself for that. But what's done is done.
Despite that small victory, overall my holiday came at a cost. I got off supplements that were doing amazing things for my immune system and gut health. My candida and autoimmune symptoms returned with a vengeance. I can visually see the inflammation in my puffy face and I am plagued with hives again. I basically have to start back at square one in clearing all that up and it was terribly unfun the first time. I picked up my bad habit of diet pop again, like a moth to the flame I tell ya! It was also terribly unfun to quit and I am assuming it won't be a picnic to do again. Thankfully my dog Kimber has kept me honest in the physical activity department. I walk her twice a day, so I get way over my 10,000 steps a day goal. That is the sole reason I was able to maintain the weight loss.
As I sit here and reflect it is very frustrating, but at the same time I see so many changes from the times before. And the only thing I can credit those changes to is GOD'S GRACE. In the past I relied heavily on other people and I failed...because ultimately they fail. People no matter how wonderful and well meaning are not perfect. I especially relied on my mom. And when she died it was a tremendous blow. I wasn't firmly rooted on my own. It reminds me of the scripture in Matthew about the four types of soil...
He said, "A farmer went out to plant his seed. He scattered the seed on the ground. Some fell on a path. Birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky places, where there wasn't much soil. The plants came up quickly, because the soil wasn't deep. When the sun came up, it burned the plants. They dried up because they had no roots. Other seed fell among thorns. The thorns grew up and crowded out the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It produced a crop 100, 60 or 30 times more than what was planted. Those who have ears should listen and understand." - Matthew 13:1-9
I was like the plants in the shallow soil. And the sun came up and I was burned. But how amazing is it that God doesn't just leave you there?! You don't just get one opportunity to figure it out, you screw up over and over again and his grace rushes in and rescues you as long as you are willing to accept it and keep trying. The most important thing I've come to learn over this past couple years is to recognize that although it may feel like you are just on an endless loop of failure...take time to recognize the small victories. They are there. Be thankful for the refining process, even though it's painful, it's necessary.
I am going to try to be better at writing more often. These larger gaps keep me from a form of accountability in knowing others have access to my shortcomings. I am getting really close to the halfway mark. Hard to believe it's almost been half a year since I began this. It has given me so much perspective on what works and what doesn't. I have insight now on things that are sure tell signs things are going off the rails and sure tell signs things are going as they should. I can say with confidence when I am daily in communication with God and in the Word the things that derail me are fewer and farther between and have far less power over my life. I can see when I am wasteful of my time, watching to much TV or being lazy in my daily chores that things have gone amuck. Being intentional and paying attention to things has been greatly beneficial in my life. But seeing it and living it is always where the breakdown comes. I am getting better. And I can celebrate in that victory today. I am not 'cured' but I am certainly healing.
For the past couple months I have been, what feels like, wandering aimlessly through the thicket...getting further and further away from the path. Why I frolicked off into the timbered unknown I can't quite put my finger on it. There were plenty of emotional triggers that I could easily blame for my careen off the lane. But ultimately the whole purpose of this blog and the last year is to finally be in a place where I can recognize circumstances and learn how to respond accordingly.
The good news...cause I am always looking for a silver lining...is that despite my departure from the straight and narrow, I managed to not gain weight. There is significance in this. For the past decade or more the cycle has ALWAYS been...lose weight then quit and gain it all back and then some. In my two month sabbatical away an intentional way of life, I did not go back into old routines entirely and sabotage my progress. I was never overly excited to see the number 210 staring back at me on the old scale two months ago, even though it was an easier number to swallow knowing just a few short months prior it had read 250. But this morning when I stepped on the scale that I had been avoiding like the plague for nearly sixty long days...when the 209 flashed before my eyes I was in utter shock! And as good as that was, there was a sting in knowing had I stuck to things I could have lost 20 pounds instead of maintaining...and been at 190...ahhhhhh, ONEderland! Kind of want to kick myself for that. But what's done is done.
Despite that small victory, overall my holiday came at a cost. I got off supplements that were doing amazing things for my immune system and gut health. My candida and autoimmune symptoms returned with a vengeance. I can visually see the inflammation in my puffy face and I am plagued with hives again. I basically have to start back at square one in clearing all that up and it was terribly unfun the first time. I picked up my bad habit of diet pop again, like a moth to the flame I tell ya! It was also terribly unfun to quit and I am assuming it won't be a picnic to do again. Thankfully my dog Kimber has kept me honest in the physical activity department. I walk her twice a day, so I get way over my 10,000 steps a day goal. That is the sole reason I was able to maintain the weight loss.
As I sit here and reflect it is very frustrating, but at the same time I see so many changes from the times before. And the only thing I can credit those changes to is GOD'S GRACE. In the past I relied heavily on other people and I failed...because ultimately they fail. People no matter how wonderful and well meaning are not perfect. I especially relied on my mom. And when she died it was a tremendous blow. I wasn't firmly rooted on my own. It reminds me of the scripture in Matthew about the four types of soil...
He said, "A farmer went out to plant his seed. He scattered the seed on the ground. Some fell on a path. Birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky places, where there wasn't much soil. The plants came up quickly, because the soil wasn't deep. When the sun came up, it burned the plants. They dried up because they had no roots. Other seed fell among thorns. The thorns grew up and crowded out the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It produced a crop 100, 60 or 30 times more than what was planted. Those who have ears should listen and understand." - Matthew 13:1-9
I was like the plants in the shallow soil. And the sun came up and I was burned. But how amazing is it that God doesn't just leave you there?! You don't just get one opportunity to figure it out, you screw up over and over again and his grace rushes in and rescues you as long as you are willing to accept it and keep trying. The most important thing I've come to learn over this past couple years is to recognize that although it may feel like you are just on an endless loop of failure...take time to recognize the small victories. They are there. Be thankful for the refining process, even though it's painful, it's necessary.
I am going to try to be better at writing more often. These larger gaps keep me from a form of accountability in knowing others have access to my shortcomings. I am getting really close to the halfway mark. Hard to believe it's almost been half a year since I began this. It has given me so much perspective on what works and what doesn't. I have insight now on things that are sure tell signs things are going off the rails and sure tell signs things are going as they should. I can say with confidence when I am daily in communication with God and in the Word the things that derail me are fewer and farther between and have far less power over my life. I can see when I am wasteful of my time, watching to much TV or being lazy in my daily chores that things have gone amuck. Being intentional and paying attention to things has been greatly beneficial in my life. But seeing it and living it is always where the breakdown comes. I am getting better. And I can celebrate in that victory today. I am not 'cured' but I am certainly healing.
Comments
Post a Comment