One of those days. To each and every one of us ‘those’ holds a different
meaning…however, when this phrase is uttered we somehow all understand and
empathize. Generally, no details are even needed. We can pull from the bushel
of our ‘those days’ and just nod. I feel ya buddy. I’ve had those too.
Friday was one of those days. Sometimes I wonder how often
when you argue with your spouse, how much of your genuine irritation is
directly aimed and your significant other or if a good portion of it is
projected. Today I would have to humbly admit that most of my annoyance with
Sully was really at myself…and his
uncanny ability to point that out to me in a way that causes the little lightbulb
dangling above my oblivious head to illuminate. I hate it when that happens.
When you feel all justified and you are prancing around on your regal high
horse and some peasant has the nerve to knock you off! Then when you know
you’re wrong instead of just raising the white flag of peace you decide to fake
that you didn’t just realize you’re the pot in the kettle analogy.
It all began early in the morning, I’m not even sure Sully
had gotten down his first cup of coffee when Aiden in a fit of frustration
talked disrespectfully to me regarding the placement of his Nintendo 3DS.
Rewind even further to Sully’s last hitch on the rig when he would call in the
evenings I would go on and on and on about the kids being lazy, disrespectful,
that they needed reigned in on playing video games, and so on and so forth.
Ultimately even then deep down I knew most of the issue wasn’t laying squarely
on his shoulders, that I had created these monsters with my inconsistent
approach to parenting. I am the queen of ‘next time’. I threaten, but don’t
follow through. And Sully is all about the follow through. And for the past
twelve years of parenting our kids, I have tied his hands behind his back when
it comes to proper discipline with our kids. And then, when the kids behave as
undisciplined kids do…I whine. Quite a vicious cycle if you ask me. I should
probably nominate my husband for sainthood for putting up with my shenanigans
all these years.
Back to Friday morning. Aiden, who is notorious for just
leaving his things lying around the house, in the car, at other people’s homes,
at school…. you catch my drift. That child is rude to me because he
cannot find his 3DS. Sully who is quietly sipping his morning coffee while
watching the news must have had a flashback to the two weeks prior, and the
many frustrated phone calls where I vented about the kids playing games to
often and being disrespectful, because he immediately shut down the back and
forth between Aiden and I with a stern “You don’t need to take electronics to
school, and you should never speak to your mom that way” But I decided in that
moment instead of supporting my husband, who was essentially correct in his reprimand,
to instead excuse the child’s actions and then explain why the rules were bent
and then took it one step further to lecture my husband for being to harsh with
the kids. I know as you are reading this you are probably shaking your head. There
is certainly a fair amount of shame as I write it.
We make rules together. I don’t enforce them. When Sully tries
to enforce them, I try and rescue the kids from the consequences. Ultimately,
we aren’t a team, I am the good guy and Sully is the bad guy. There are no
winners. We all lose. Occasionally I will get fed up and on board and this ship
runs smoothly. But generally, there is mutiny onboard and I am the worst offender.
The entire weekend we bickered. Mostly over the same things.
The things that we always tend to bicker over, although not nearly as much as
we seem to be bickering over currently. Thankfully there has been plenty of
good times to buffer those tense moments where we are both trying to love each
other through our flaws. And like I mentioned before I don’t even think we are
mad at each other for the reasons we think we are. I think we both have our own
demons and when the other person is brave enough to shed some light on those
dark areas of our lives our response is recoil. Defense. Blame. Shame.
So here comes the point of repentance I suppose. Where you
acknowledge your wrongdoings and then proceed for a change. The many areas of
my life that cause me stress are a direct result of my unwillingness to use consistent
discipline. I always think back to the scripture in the Word where God makes it
so simple. Matthew 5:37 says “All you
need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil
one.” This simple verse is the key to a fundamental breakdown in my life. The
results are catastrophic.
It can be overwhelming to stare down what lies ahead. I can
relate it to weight loss, when you have a large number on the scale you want to
chisel away it can seem unattainable. But I know firsthand you must tackle it
one pound at a time. Every. Single. Day. You choose to make decisions that are
healthy and progress you towards your goals are you choose to make unhealthy choices
that send you backwards. Same will go for losing this impassive personality trait.
Again, I feel like it is all interconnected anyways. Being overweight is a
symptom. I truly believe working on every aspect of your life, whether it be physical,
emotional, or spiritual all areas will reap the benefits of positive change. I sometimes
face these revelations with such discouragement. But I am pulling from the past
two years, especially with the help of this blog to see that I have come so
far.
We have an older home. It is outdated and needs a lot of
work. Sully and I have slowly made changes and updates. It is not where I want
it to be by any measure, but we have done some beautiful transformations. We
remodeled the kitchen, put in beautiful oak hardwood floors, we built an
amazing deck off the back…each project has improved the house tremendously. I
am kind of like this old house. And I understand that each project comes with
the blood, sweat and tears that it takes to make something that is ugly…beautiful.
Thankfully I don’t have to be the project manager of the Joy remodel. I have a skilled
carpenter to do the heavy lifting. “For it is God who is at work in you…” Philippians 2:13
I am grateful beyond measure for a husband who continually
loves me through all my flaws and shortcomings. He daily inspires me to be a
better person. Even though I often meet his truth with anger and defense. He is
always patient with me while the holy spirit works on softening my heart and
opening my eyes. He never waits in the wings to say, ‘I told you so’ and he is
always there to give me another opportunity to make things right. I think for a
very long time I was so afraid that our kids would be negatively affected by
our chronic failures. But I am learning we aren’t failing, we are working hard
at our marriage and we are exposing the lie that any relationship is all roses.
I can only hope that Aiden turns out just like Sully. Or that Charlee can find someone
to marry who has those same wonderful characteristics that her Daddy has. If Sully
is the bar in which my kids look to as the kind of person they want to be, or
someday marry, then I can safely say they will alright in this world.
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