Metanoia

I'm ninety days into this. I haven't blogged everyday as I had hoped, but lets face it...more often than not I don't have enough material to keep anyone interested on a daily basis. I have learned a lot about myself in the last ninety days. This morning I found myself mired in discontentment in my progress. Although I am no where near where I was when I started, I am still not nearly as far as I had hoped by this time. And while I was stewing on my perceived failures I kept coming back to a lesson my very wise husband had given me on the drywall of the dive shop he owned. We were living in Hawaii. I had asked him to explain what 'The Bends' was. So many divers shuffling in and out of the dive shop refilling their oxygen tanks and that term often fell from their lips in a somber tone. I didn't know that day that I would later marry Sully. I didn't know that I would stash that conversation away or that it would be such a profound epiphany in relating to m...

A mouse's tale.  I always have good intentions and the day slips away from me and the housework piles up. For being a housekeeper by profession you would think my house would be CLEAN. Yesterday morning I woke up late and moseyed down to the couch and turned on the TV. First step into being unproductive let me tell you. I knew I had family coming over in the evening for a BBQ, but I had plenty of time to clean the house and pick up the yard. The TV is strange, because there can be NOTHING on and yet you still get sucked in for hours. It's best to never turn it on if you have any aspirations of accomplishing things. I felt zero motivation, and I started to negotiate in my mind a way to clean only what had to be done for the get together vs. doing what I should do. Sully called and we were chatting when I heard the horrifying sound of claws scratching on the wall behind the couch. My biggest fears were confirmed when both my cats showed up to investigate. It was a mouse. I...

The past seventeen days I was given ample opportunity to extend Grace, to choose joy in the face of stress, and patience...was I ever given the opportunity to practice patience. We got a dog. Those of you who know me, know that is something I have been trying to avoid since Sully and I got married. I hate admitting that too, cause I'm met with such stink eye when I utter the words..."I don't love dogs" Truth be told I love other peoples dogs, because they don't live in my space. I can pet them, think they are cute, and then when I go home no harm, no foul. I made it twelve years. Twelve glorious years. We now have a dog.  I went over two full weeks without a drop of Diet Poison, was on a roll, and then Fred Meyers, Safeway, & Three Bears ran out of my only two favorite Zevia drinks...my lifelines when the cravings came a calling. Seriously stores, there is obviously a market for them, why are there only a select few on the shelves?! They are harder to...

Has God ever hand picked your reading material? I feel spoiled, and loved, and completely in awe all at once. In March I was struggling...I was absolutely drowning in my grief. My aunt followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit and mailed me the book 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp, which completely turned everything around. It was exactly what I needed. The other day while retrieving my mail I found a package from one of my mom's dear friends from our time back in Colorado. She too had felt lead to send me a book, and I imagine this book will have a similar effect, how could it not? You've got mail from your Heavenly Father. Amazing. I am so grateful both of these beautiful souls were willing vessels for God to work in my life. It really makes me think about how often I ignore the promptings, or get to busy to hear them. How many opportunities am I missing to do God's work and be the blessing for others? In the book 'One Thousand Gifts' Ann points o...

Diet Pepsi. The nucleus of my destruction. Tracing things back to where it all fell apart...this time...and likely all the times before it was the introduction of this seemingly harmless beverage. Unfortunately once this was allowed back in the whole system began breaking down. Enslavement. Addiction. It's ugly. This chemical concoction will not defeat me. But you'd be surprised at how hard it is to let go. Yesterday was my full day without one...and I know the headache by three o'clock and the nausea that greeted me this morning are just the beginning. My body won't take lightly to diet Pepsi deprivation, and that alone should validate that this poison is not good for me. For three months I gave up pop, carbs, sugars, starches, and ate the strict Candida diet. I felt amazing. I took Plexus to help boost the immune system and reboot my gut. Everything went great. I lost thirty pounds and felt like I had finally found the key to unlock the door that had been slammed...

This kid used to eat rocks. He also drank puddle water. Therefor the majority of his diaper wearing days we were dealing with gravel and dysentery. My firstborn. And today I realized that in 2025 he will be a man embarking out into this crazy world without me. 7 years. I have seven measly years left with my baby boy. I think what scares me more than anything else is that I feel like I'm not doing the best job at leading by example. I kept thinking I would have more time. If procrastination were a country, I would be it's Queen. There are things I know my kids are gleaning from me that are good. Things I can be proud of for instilling in them. And there are things that need to amended. 12 years ago you'd be hard pressed to hear a curse word come flying out of my mouth. That is not the case today. Today I lost count of how many foul words rolled off my tongue. A goat jumped on my clean clothes during feeding this morning *BEEP* I caught my pajama bottoms on the bed wh...

Have you ever been body surfing? You know that moment when you aren't paying attention and a wave rolls in...picks you up, and then slams you to ocean floor. That in itself is bad enough, but then it adds insult to injury when the next wave hits you and fills your lungs with salt water instead of the air your gasping for. And another. When it's over you find your bathing suit displaced, hair ratted into a nest that sits halfway on your head and halfway in your face, and you crawl like a creature from the deep towards higher ground. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE FEELS LIKE RIGHT NOW. I somehow survived the beating, and now I'm just trying to get to shore. You know the quote "Grief is like the oceans, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." I used to like that quote. Until I experienced grief firsthand. There is no swimming when the waves hit you, there's just surviving....