The past seventeen days I was given ample opportunity to extend Grace, to choose joy in the face of stress, and patience...was I ever given the opportunity to practice patience. We got a dog. Those of you who know me, know that is something I have been trying to avoid since Sully and I got married. I hate admitting that too, cause I'm met with such stink eye when I utter the words..."I don't love dogs" Truth be told I love other peoples dogs, because they don't live in my space. I can pet them, think they are cute, and then when I go home no harm, no foul. I made it twelve years. Twelve glorious years. We now have a dog.
I went over two full weeks without a drop of Diet Poison, was on a roll, and then Fred Meyers, Safeway, & Three Bears ran out of my only two favorite Zevia drinks...my lifelines when the cravings came a calling. Seriously stores, there is obviously a market for them, why are there only a select few on the shelves?! They are harder to get your hands on than they should be! I was counting on Anchorage to have better stock. I found the same two slots empty. Lemon Lime & Cola. SERIOUSLY!?!? I gave up, had a Diet Pepsi and guess what? I didn't even like it! WHAT?! It gave me a headache. You'd think that would deter me from having any more. Sadly I am not so clever. I had another for breakfast at IHop, one for the ride home, and capped off the day with one. But today is a new day, and I am happy to continue on without the aspartame. I have noticed a lot of really big changes once the initial yuck of withdrawal went away. My eyesight is better. I sleep better. I am pretty sure I lost weight/inches. I don't have horrible brain fog. I have a lot more energy. I'm less hungry. I drink a ton more water. My pressure urticaria (Hives) is non existent. I can't fathom why I even wanted to go back, even for just a day. Thankfully I didn't wake up craving it, in fact the thought of drinking it makes me kind of nauseous. Hopefully that was my one and only relapse.
Little Miss Kimber Lynn (the new addition to the family, the dreaded puppy) has a few perks. Aside from making the kids and Sully very happy she guarantees my daily steps on the old Fitbit. I make Charlee walk her twice a day, and by Charlee I mean...I walk Charlee and the dog twice a day. It was tough at first getting the 10,000 a day when I began but now I am always closer to 20,000. Which is great cause I want to be in better shape, and I like being sore, because that means I am building muscle. I've found that consuming less carbohydrates I have a ton more energy. I choose my carbs wisely too cause I am so limited on them. I used to think about food so differently. If I was allotted a certain amount of calories or carbs I would eat my favorites (which were usually of little or no nutritional value) and then starve the rest of the day. I had to change my relationship entirely with food this time. Treats for me now are acorn squash or onions. They are higher in carb count but have nutritional value. I'm not cured. I doubt I will ever be. But I am getting the hang of this. I have flub ups, and I wallow in it, then I pick myself up, dust myself off and start over. The flub ups are fewer and farther between. And I am learning to love eating healthy. I am learning to love exercise. And although this is much slower than I anticipated as far as losing the weight, I am not just losing pounds I am changing my thinking, my lifestyle, and in the end I think this time It won't be a temporary fix. It will be lasting.
I was actually contemplating surgery. Seriously contemplating surgery. I did a ton of research and talked to some people who have had weight loss procedures and some medical staff who work in that field. Ultimately I decided against it. I used to think those kinds of procedures was the easy way out. I no longer hold that viewpoint. I respect the heck out of people who make the commitment to lose weight, and follow it through...surgically or not. It's hard work either way. There's no easy way out of this. Reading through the support group pages, at each persons experiences and struggles just made me realize how much stigma there is for people who have surgery. It's almost a shameful thing. How sad. It's brave to admit you can't do it alone. You are shamed for being obese and not doing anything about it, you shouldn't be shamed for using a tool to help you achieve your goals. I'm super glad I researched it, I am super thankful I considered it. Because of that research I was inspired, I found determination and I have been on a very productive roll since.
Tomorrow is my weigh in. I set a goal of trying to lose 10 pounds a month. I will be at my goal by December/January. I know there will be stalls...and there will be flub ups, some months I will crush my goals and other months I will likely come up short. Learning how to suck it up and not let the failures de-rail me will be the ultimate test.
I took a longer break from blogging than I anticipated. Sully's hitch off was some kind of insanity. We worked from sun up till sundown...all work and no play made for some cranky people by the end of the hitch too. I am almost done with the first of three weeks on this hitch then hopefully we can use his next hitch off to ENJOY what little summer we get up here in the cold North. While he is away I hope to get everything squared away that I can so that he has less on his plate.
I have really really been missing my mom lately. Like suck the air out of your lungs missing my best friend. That has been tough. I know she would be so proud of all that I have accomplished in the past year, of who I am becoming. She worried about me, about Sully, and the kids. She was our rock. I know that caused her some stress as she prepared for her death. I know because we talked about it. She TRUSTED us with God, she had to let go...and I don't know how she knows but I know she knows we are okay. I could have never anticipated the things that have changed in her absence. Things that cut deep into the heart, that hurt. The other day we drove by my parents old house down the road from us. And Charlee said, "I miss that life." Profound. Out of the mouths of babes came such honesty. I do to. I miss that life. I miss the meals prepared in that kitchen, shared around the table where we sat and played silly games. The play room full of books that Grandma would sit and read, over and over again to kids who never tired of hearing them. A giant bathtub where dinosaurs swam while little dirty feet got scrubbed. The clothesline that she used to stand under, a strawberry patch that she used to pull weeds out of while kids snuck strawberries while she wasn't looking. I miss that life. I miss her. And it hurts. And that hurt is a reminder everyday that life is short. God is good. And I am thankful.
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