Metanoia

Recovery. I feel like the last three days were the calm after the storm sorta speak. I need to learn how to keep a steady pace despite the up's and down's of life. That is the tricky part for me. Honestly I think that comes with maturity in ones faith. It's a tough thing relinquishing control of your life, trusting God. I am ruled by my emotions. And my emotions produce stress & anxiety. My coping mechanisms for dealing with that stress & anxiety is eating carbohydrates. It's a vicious cycle. And once again I hold the keys to releasing myself from this bondage...and I withhold. I choose fear. Doubt. Self sabotage. We are strange creatures, us humans, always making it harder. I haven't been entirely off my game over the past three days, however I wouldn't say I was entirely on my game either. I feel like I had the wind in my sails there for a good stretch and suddenly the gale tapered off. Stagnant. Stationary. I wait in vain for wind, ultimately...

I fired the first shot. Over morning coffee and mundane conversations about yard work and chores, I loaded each bullet mentally. Each misunderstanding, miscommunication, and each hurt...one by one I primed my weapon, the most dangerous weapon of all...my tongue. I cocked back and aimed for the heart, and I didn't miss. I expected to feel more satisfaction. Instead I just felt worse. Where in the scriptures did it say, do unto your husband as he hath done unto you? My words are sharp, piercing skin, ripping into flesh and I can read it on his face. Was this the resolve, the healing I had proclaimed I wanted? Or was this just plain and simple revenge? There was no love, no grace, no Jesus in this shootout. And who just sits like a target when bullets fly? Return fire. Why do we chose to mame? The only outcome is that we both walk away wounded. I feel conviction. Like a kid that stole a piece of candy from the dollar store, I know my actions were erroneous. But I take it o...

My entire entry for today was lost. If it wasn't one o'clock in the morning I would try and recompose it. Maybe it is best left unsaid. That wound is still festering...today was not the day of healing I had anticipated, instead we choreographed a counterfeit presence around the proverbial 'elephant in the room'. If I had found grace yesterday, I lost it today.  So for now we are masons, firing up the kiln to bake the clay and fabricate the bricks...laying mortar to stone we build up walls. We protect our dignity, shelter our pride and we block out forgiveness. Each planted firmly to our right to feel wronged. The 80's girl in me screams out Pat Benatar's anthem, 'Love is a Battlefield'. Brick by brick we labor to build partitions.  One sleeps. One festers. Neither are productive. Day Eighteen I got back on track with my diet. Even if the rest of my life was going off the rails like a crazy train. Hmmmm, another 80's song. I a...

Sweeping. I watch as the bristles push dirt and hay, reminants of a tiny goats presence so brief in our lives. As I push past boxes stacked in the corner of my garage, boxes I ignore. They smell like her, they remind me of her, my mom. Reminants. Loss. Always trying to clean up, to fix...the unfixable, the mess that is life. I never knew what it was like on the other side, being the parent. The hard part of life sits squarely on your shoulders. The clean up. Removing the things that sting, wiping tears, digging soil to lay to rest the loved. Explaining what is unexplainable. I never knew this side of it. Our precious Poppy passed away. Part of life, is experiencing death. But it’s hard. And quite frankly it feels like it’s all to common for us anymore. It’s tempting to harden the heart, to grow numb. But we continue to love, and in that deep love we feel deep grief. To most she was just a baby goat, to Charlee...she was her world. Yesterday we fought hard to combat...

That scheduling conflict Sully and I were is disagreement on last week began today. I spent most of today rather bitter. A myriad of things went wrong too, only adding to my salty disposition and feelings of neglect. I would love to say I just leaned in hard to God, withdrew from the pools of wisdom, and found peace that passes all understanding today. But that would be a lie. Every single thing that happened from waking till I sat down to type this, felt exasperating. Charlee's little goat seems out of sorts, sickly with something we can't quite diagnose, so we treated the most likely causes. But sickness, whether it is goat or child, stresses me to the max. Especially when the sickly can't communicate what's going on. It would have been nice to have Sully home tonight...just for MY peace of mind.  I will admit, I have a bad attitude. I'm mad that the conflict couldn't be resolved by finding some compromise. I'm frustrated I was the one to ...

Today I allowed some carbs. One thing I learned. Probably shouldn't allow carbs till you've been on a roll for a few months 😒 My first mistake? Chips & salsa. Scratch that...my first mistake was not eating breakfast. Had I eaten a healthy breakfast this morning, I wouldn't be starving...and had I not been starving I probably would have been able to resist the chips & salsa at Acapulco's. I didn't eat a lot, but there's something mentally that clicks when I have a cheat. It's like, well crap I had a chip now I might as well count today a loss and eat EVERYTHING!  I fought that off for the most part. I let go of my chimi-changa fantasy and settled for a low carb salad (well, it would have been low carb if I hadn't eaten half the tortilla bowl it came in 😝) Then we had friends over for dinner and I went with a rotisserie chicken, sautéed veggies, & a salad. But as I was cruising the isles of Three Bears getting all of the above fo...

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11 Do I trust God? I would love to say the answer is emphatically YES. But if I were honest, I'd have to admit I struggle with it daily. Especially when it comes to trusting Him with my kids. It's not even that I think I can do a better job. I am immensely optimistic that both Aiden and Charlee will extend me a plethora of grace for all the mistakes I'm making trying to raise them. It's in our very nature to be fiercely protective of what we hold the most dear. There is nothing on this planet that I care more deeply for than my children. But what good does our constant stress and worry over things regarding our kids really do? Wouldn't our lives, and theirs by default, be so much more rich if we truly trusted God with them? Point and case. Aiden. He is the kindest most empath...