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Day Twenty, Twenty-One, & Twenty-Two

Recovery. I feel like the last three days were the calm after the storm sorta speak. I need to learn how to keep a steady pace despite the up's and down's of life. That is the tricky part for me. Honestly I think that comes with maturity in ones faith. It's a tough thing relinquishing control of your life, trusting God. I am ruled by my emotions. And my emotions produce stress & anxiety. My coping mechanisms for dealing with that stress & anxiety is eating carbohydrates. It's a vicious cycle. And once again I hold the keys to releasing myself from this bondage...and I withhold. I choose fear. Doubt. Self sabotage. We are strange creatures, us humans, always making it harder.


I haven't been entirely off my game over the past three days, however I wouldn't say I was entirely on my game either. I feel like I had the wind in my sails there for a good stretch and suddenly the gale tapered off. Stagnant. Stationary. I wait in vain for wind, ultimately I know I need to create it for myself. And maybe, just maybe stop allowing other people to snuff it out. Another reminder I am not letting God steer my craft. 


There are things swirling around me that I can't fix. But they trouble me. Things I know I need to hand over to the Lord. Things that hurt. That hinder. Trust Him. He will work all things for your good. Why do cling so tightly to the mess? 

There are so many things to be grateful for. Healthy children. A loving husband. Cute goats. A home to raise our family in. A job to provide. Swans returning to an open lakefront. Sand hill cranes nesting in the marsh. Green grass. Buds on the trees. Friendships that enfold a weary soul. A heartbeat. God is good. All the time.


I know that the anniversary of my mom's death looms overhead. And I know that despite my joy for her admittance into heaven, the daily reminders of where we were this time last year still sting. I have waded in and out of this grief often over the past year, and I can recognize when it grabs hold and tugs me deeper. Life moves on. So must we. It's hard not to feel like the time that passes pushes her further and further from my grasp. I forget in my sorrow, that I am actually walking towards her. That where she is, is my destination. Life muddles and distracts us from that so often. Home. Heaven. 

Fixate on the good. Let go of the bad. 


I'm ready for long warm summer days, no school, no routines or bedtimes. Snuggling in sleeping bags. All our clothes smelling like campfire. Hiking up mountains just to revel at the views. Planting flowers. Swimming in cool waters. Sand between my toes. I have a couple weeks before that can be my reality. So I need to be patient and use this in-between to help the kids finish out the school year strong. Get the yard chores accomplished. The spring cleaning done. Find contentment in the frozen layers just under the surface, the muddy mess on top. The arctic breeze that requires coats & hats. Wait. Anticipate. Hope for those days to come. But live in the now. Find a reason to push through and be grateful. 

I can already feel a gentle breeze in motion, tomorrow I will sail. 


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