Day Five

Today is my mom's birthday. Her first in Heaven, our first without her. Birthdays have seemed the hardest. It is an unavoidable reminder that life is moving on, like it or not. My mom will forever be 59 for us. It is bitter/sweet to be here. Because there is such JOY is knowing she is no longer suffering, she is free from the shackles of disease, guilt, pain, & sorrow...she is dancing in heaven with Jesus. For her there is no better place. I try to keep that in perspective as I meander through my emotions today. Selfishly I miss her, and I wish she was here. I guess that is the price we pay for deep love isn't it? Deep grief. I wouldn't change anything. I would rather experience this tremendous loss than to not have known her the way I did. She was my best friend. I will always feel this ache, and I'm okay with that. It's a small price to pay for what I got in return the past 35 years of my life.

I didn’t get a lot done...I put out some school fires with Aiden and got some laundry/dishes squared away. But I stuck to my diet like a boss so I count the day a win. Even when we went to McDonalds for a milkshake in mom’s memory...I resisted. My mom was my biggest cheerleader when it came to weight loss, I know she was worried about me...and I wish I could have given her peace of mind before she passed that I was okay, and that I would eventually get this figured out. I know my mom loved me just as I am, but she knew more than most, how hard I struggle. How much my weight affects my life in a negative way. How poor my health is because of  my weight. Even though my mom was thin, she struggled immensely with self confidence. She could never accept herself as beautiful, as skinny, as loved. She was a slave to the number on the scale, and even when she hit the mark she couldn’t enjoy it. She never wanted that hell for me, I choose NOT to be mastered by my weight. I want to be healthy, I want to feel good, I want to be able to hike with my kids.

Day Five....success!